MANILA, Philippines?He still can?t bring himself to believe that his father, action star Rudy Fernandez, is dead.

?I keep saying he just left for a while,? says Mark Anthony Fernandez. ?I?m comforted by the thought that we?ll be together again when he comes back.?

Three months after Rudy?s passing, Mark, 30, admits he?s finding his bearings, but slowly.

His manager, Paula Punla of Star Factory Inc., says her ward is coping with grief by burying himself in work. Mark just finished taping the last few episodes of the Pinoy adaptation of the Koreanovela ?Ako si Kim Samsoon? on GMA 7.

??For a while, he told me to turn down all requests for interviews,? Punla tells Inquirer Entertainment. ?He said he wasn?t ready to share his feelings about his dad. He?s just starting to open up now. And he?s also agreed to do some out-of-town shows.?

Everywhere he goes, people call him ?Cyrus,? his character in ?Kim Samsoon,? says Punla. ?Pinagkakaguluhan s?ya, especially in the provinces. He says he?s no longer used to the attention and to all the screaming, but that he feels good about it. I guess that also helped a lot.?

Mark sat down for this chat with Inquirer last week in his home in Greenhills, San Juan.

You?re getting very good reviews for your performance in ?Kim Samsoon.? Some critics have even said you?re a better actor than your dad.

He?s my inspiration. I don?t think I?m better than he was. Tingin ko, nasa kalahati lang ako ni Papa. I was doing ?Kim Samsoon? during the months that my dad was fighting for his life. Bukod sa hectic ang schedule, problematic pa ako. Inisip ko na lang ?yung mga tinuro n?ya.

For example...?

He told me, ?Kung may problema ka, ?wag mong dalhin sa trabaho mo. Kailangan priority ang trabaho.? Pero ibang klaseng problema naman kasi ?yun, ?di ba?. I tried hard to stay focused.

So, you?re a little okay now?

I?d like to think that, yes? though I doubt that I?ll really ever be. ?Di ko nilalagay sa isip ko na wala na si Papa. Ang hirap talaga, sobra. ?Pag nagkakaroon ako ng flashbacks, nakikita ko yung mukha ng isang taong minamahal ko, parang gusto kong sumigaw. Wala akong nagawa for him. Nilalagay ko nalang sa isip ko na nandito lang s?ya lagi. Kung anong ginagawa ko dati, ?yun pa rin ang ginagawa ko. The only difference is, wala na akong pwedeng tawagan or wala nang tumatawag sa akin.

What did you feel when you first heard of his condition?

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi totoo, that it was just a bad joke. Ang tagal nag-sink in. Hindi ko matanggap na ganu?n kalubha ang sakit n?ya. I think sinadya ni Papa na hindi ipaliwanag sa aking mabuti kung ano talaga ang sakit n?ya. I was sure he?d get better. Miracle na pala nu?ng nakalusot kami sa Whipple surgery. I didn?t realize that my dad?s was one of the worst cases of cancer. Sinabi lang n?ya nu?ng latter part na.

Do you feel better now about sharing your feelings?

Hangga?t maari ayaw ko nang pag-usapan, but I know itatanong talaga ito sa akin. ?Pag aware ako na ?yun ang pag-uusapan, okay lang. But when I?m just having a regular conversation with friends, tapos biglang nag-shift do?n, it gets unpleasant. Minsan, biglang may babati ng condolence, I still get jolted.

Was there anything positive that came out of the whole experience?

Buti na lang naitanong mo ?yan. Yes, I just realized this moment that something good did come out of it. He?s now in a better place, where there?s no illness and suffering.

Did it change your relationship with your brothers (Ralph and Renz, Rudy?s sons with actress Lorna Tolentino)? did you become closer?

Not really; pareho lang. Mas nagkaroon lang ako ng responsibilidad ngayon. My dad used to say I should teach Renz to appreciate sports more. Dad made us feel like normal kids. We go out together. We hear Mass together. Sometimes, magkita lang, okay na. ?Di naman kailangang may gawin kami.

What about Lorna? Have you become closer to her?

Gan?on pa rin. Ang naging closer, sila ni Mama (actress Alma Moreno). Nagkaroon sila ng mas maraming bonding moments. Alam ko nu?ng time na mahirap na para kay Papa, nagtulong silang patawanin si Papa.

What do you still remember most about your dad?

He would always tell me na pagbutihin ang trabaho. ??Wag kang batugan!? Of all of Papa?s advice, that?s my favorite. Minsan kapag pagod na ako, inaalala ko ?yun.

E-mail mcruz@inquirer.com.ph