LOS ANGELES? No one is safe from the bitchy barbs of Bruno at interviews. Not celebrities?fellow Austrian Arnold Schwarzenegger, Elton John, Heidi Klum and many others.

And definitely not the journalists who asked him questions. No one escaped the eye and catty tongue of the equal opportunity offending Bruno, gay fashionista, host of the TV show ?Funkyzeit Mit Bruno? and now star of a self-titled movie.

From the second Bruno sashayed into the Academy Room of the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel in a tight, sleeveless black leather vest, a black thong peeking from his dazzling silver pants, there was never a dull moment. It was a laugh-a-thon.

There is no point in denoting where laughter ensued in the excerpts below because virtually every remark by the blonde mop-haired fashion reporter earned chuckles.

Before my wife Janet could utter her question, Bruno asked: ?Where are you from?? When she replied ?Philippines,? he dissed: ?Is that a country? Have they invented fashion there yet??

And when it was my turn to throw a question, he walked toward me and in his most seductive manner, eyes twinkling and lips breaking into a smile, asked what material my suit was made of.

He asked how old I was. ?Eighteen,? I lied. ?I am probably too old for you then,? he cooed.

Pointing at his eyes with two fingers a la Robert De Niro?s ?I?m watching you? gesture in ?Meet the Parents,? he flirtatiously told me, ?Hey, keep your eyes over here.? He added, this time pointing at his crotch, ?Stop looking down there. Be professional. I?ve got a boyfriend.?

Several times during the presscon, he went back to me and coquettishly said variations of his ?Look-here-not-there? admonition with the matching De Niro gesture. At one point, he told me, ?Stop it. You?re so naughty. Stop it now. What?s your name?? After I told him my name, he quipped, ?You?re a little bitch.?

And he asked a reporter: ?Were you in ?Silence of the Lambs? ??

After a pause and appearing to be distracted, Bruno explained to a blonde male journalist, ?Sorry. I was just thinking about something. I was thinking about you and me 15 years from now. We have two adopted kids. It could never happen. Could it??

Bruno will stop at nothing to promote his movie. While recounting a sad incident in his family, he struck a tearful stance and then asked, ?Sorry, can you get a photo of me?? He spoke with a sprinkle of German words (?Ich,? ?und,? etc.) and accent. For clarity?s sake, we replaced these words with their English equivalent.

Oh, about the movie?Bruno, in his bid to become famous, pulls dangerous stunts on unsuspecting folks, from literally stopping a Prada runway fashion show in Milan (and actually getting jailed overnight for the deed) to trying to seduce a hapless Ron Paul, a 2008 US presidential candidate, in a hotel room.

Bruno?s flirty moves toward me were nothing compared to what he did at the end of the press con to my Korean colleague. The reporter, who truly got into the spirit of the playful interview, had earlier told Bruno that he found him ?charming and alluring? in his nude GQ magazine cover photo.

After the last question, Bruno took off his leather vest to reveal a tight white undershirt and started dancing. He went up a table, gyrated on his knees and then stood up. Bruno got off the table and walked toward my colleague. He ripped open his white undershirt and then did a lap dance on the journalist.

Are you considering adopting a second baby? If yes, from which country will you adopt? How did you adopt your first baby?

Apparently, Somalia is like the new place to get kids from. But I?m a bit worried because there is the whole piracy thing. I don?t want to get a Somalian baby and have it crawling and jumping into another person?s pram and demanding ransom.

As to how I got my first baby, I did the traditional thing. I supported the mother ? I gave her an iPod in exchange for the child. I had real welfare concern. I was really worried about the welfare of the iPod because the village of the mother was 2,000 miles from the nearest Apple store. There?s no chance for WiFi update.

Can you talk about your fellow Austrian, Arnold Schwarzenegger?

It?s funny you should talk about Arnold. I?ve signed a confidentiality agreement about this so I can?t really talk about it. Arnold and I were a couple in the early ?80s for almost seven minutes. I met him at the finals of the Mr. Universe competition. He was like two ounces over in his weight division and he needed to lose them really quick. I dropped down to my knees and obliged. People said that a really masculine, sexy Austrian could never get to be a really powerful, well-liked politician but Adolf (Hitler) proved them wrong.

Good morning, Bruno.

Oh, you?re Asian. That?s really cool. Asians are like the coolest things at the moment.

What was it like to have all these famous singers with you at the end of the film?

Those guys just came in. They were like, ?Tell me what to do.? And they just did it. Bono, Sting, Chris Martin and Elton (John) were there. Elton can be one of the biggest bitches in the world. Elton?s basically the same as Naomi Campbell who has been at the top of her game. The amazing thing about her is that after 20 years in the fashion industry, she has remained exactly the same. She has remained a total bitch.

How did you get Ron Paul?

I just went to Washington, DC. I asked, ?Who wants an interview with Bruno?? Ron Paul turned up. There was another couple of guys, including somebody from Homeland Security, but I didn?t show them in the film. Ron Paul was coming on to me basically in the hotel room. He saw me and couldn?t get enough of me. He saw my cul de sac and he wanted to wear it as a bowtie. The moment I let him know that I didn?t have herpes or chlamydia, he was just all over me like a rash.

Did a guy named Sacha Baron Cohen serve as an adviser in your film?

No. Sacha Baron Cohen is clearly gay. His girlfriend must get about as much sex as Katie Holmes.

Have you heard of Borat, the Kazakh TV reporter? What do you think of his fashion sense?

I just recently saw the film ?Borat.? I have to say he?s a very offensive stereotype of a foreigner. With that green schmutter he was wearing, he?s got no idea about fashion. The number one rule about fashion is treat your clothes like you would a pet. Wear it for a week, put it in a zip-up bag and throw it in the River Danube.

In making this movie, were you subjected to any gay bashing?

I tried very hard to be gay-bashed but there wasn?t actually any gay bashing. But there were a lot of times that were really scary. I went to ? have you heard of like Israel and Egypt? It?s called the Middle Earth. That place is absolutely terrifying. There is no sushi in the whole region. It?s just carbs, carbs, carbs. Hummus and pita. If I open my wardrobe and all I saw was a black burkha and sandals, I?d blow myself up too. Here?s the fact ? not one suicide bomber has ever blown himself up while wearing Marc Jacobs.

We don?t know anything about your family. Can you tell us about them?

My parents wanted me to live the Austrian dream. You know, grow up, get a house, build a dungeon and raise a family in it. But I came from a really talented family. My father made all the beats for the cuckoo clocks in the Klagenfurt area in Austria. My mother was killed by my father. Sorry, can you get a photo of me? What happened was she had a terrible problem. She produced too much saliva. It would really annoy my father. One time she had a very dry honey cake. The cake causes a lot of schmutz. She started schmutzing and you could see my father getting really aggravated. Finally, he got a hair dryer and he opened her mouth. He dried her mouth until she died. As a result, I never used that hair dryer again for like four years which was a really difficult thing because my hair?s naturally curly.

Can you talk about Heidi Klum, your fellow European and fashionista?

Everything I do, Heidi Klum copies. I moved to Los Angeles to become famous. She also moved to Los Angeles to become famous. I blow Seal?

What do you want to be famous for?

I just want to be known as one of the great thinkers ? Plato, Aristotle, Shakira?

I saw your totally naked picture on the cover of a magazine. You looked charming and alluring.
Come over here.

What?s your room number?
I can?t believe you asked that. Sit down here.

What was it like to pose completely nude for the camera?

I felt very shy. I?m an incredibly shy person. I never want any publicity. You would know if you ever read any of my three biographies, my Podcasts or the blogs that I write about myself.

I?m from Italy so I felt bad over the way they treated you in Milan. Can you tell us what exactly happened there?

I went to Milan Fashion Week. I wore a Velcro suit. I got arrested. Normally, being led away by six guys dressed as policemen is like a birthday treat but this was totally different. Despite all my requests, I didn?t get a cavity search. They took a photo of me. They didn?t even allow me to get my makeup or hair done. The guy who took my picture wasn?t even a known photographer.

Do you have any hesitation in joking about some of the biggest names in Hollywood?

Obviously, I have been very careful with some of these sensitive people like Mel Gibson. When you?re dealing with one of the world?s straightest men, Tom Cruise, you?ve got to be really careful.

Can you talk about gay marriage which is very much in the news here in the US?

In Austria and Germany, it?s legal to get gay married. Marriage is such an important thing. We want the right to live in a loveless marriage, then separate and argue over a house.

E-mail the columnist at rvnepales_5585@yahoo.com and read his blog, ?The Nepales Report,? on http://blogs.inquirer.net/nepalesreport.