ALL THESE YEARS, I BELIEVED I WAS DESTINED TO HAVE only a few friends. But lately, I realized that I just needed to look in the right places and I would find friends among the persons I least expected to be so. Now, I?m counting my blessings, counting my friends.

Since I was a child I have had problems with being in groups. Like many people I know, I was inclined to think not only for myself, but by myself. I was not used to engaging in a consensus. I supported my decisions with arguments that I came up with via my own thinking process. I did not believe in asking for other people?s opinions because I didn?t buy their opinions. I was incapable of developing intimacy (in a non-romantic way) with many persons at the same time.

When I was in grade school I basically kept to myself. When I eventually found three or four friends, I limited myself to that circle of friends until high school. I enjoyed my friends? company only by rotation. I could be with the same set of friends for a long time because I lost interest and easily found flaws in them. To me their quirks turned into annoying mannerisms and their jokes became cliches. I had a very high standard for the people I wanted around me. So I got very easily disappointed.

When I was in college, or more precisely when I shifted out of Intarmed to take an AB course in UP Diliman, Caloy, an Intarmed batchmate in UP Manila, asked me, grinning: ?So, do you have many friends now?? I told him, ?Well, here I don?t need friends, I only have allies. That?s all I need.?

Perhaps at that moment, he thought I was just trying to be witty. But my answer summed up how I always regarded friendships. Until recently.

Perhaps I have developed just a slightly different and more generous concept of friendship than I would like to admit. However, because many old acquaintances whom I had once considered friends let me down before, I refused to act with the kind of openness healthy friendships require.

Now all the memories of having been let down, of having trusted and being betrayed, of believing and then later being lied to, seem so distant and dim and all I see now are memories of persons who stuck by me, accepting and silent, ready and willing to listen. These people, most of whom I haven?t seen or heard from in ages, are somewhere out there and I am thanking them for sticking around or for being a part of my life. They are the ones worth remembering.

We are usually blessed with many different kinds of friends. In my case, there are friends I often see but whose company I look forward all the time and whose presence never fails to cheer me up: the ?Makati boys? Andrew, Amer, Matthew and Mudz (who?s not Makati-based anymore), my sisters in UP Portia, my law blockmates Sheila, Lynn, Nancy, Tere, Cathe, LP Cams, Janette and Ruby, and Leila.

There are also friends that I better not see so often (for very good reasons!), like my blockmate Marco, five friends from way back whom I will not identify, and another one who would surely forbid me from revealing his/her name.

There are also those whom I cannot see often even if I wanted to, like Byron, Burns, Benjo, Cheska, Kirk, Jaja B., Anna B., Marc Titus, Bhong, Abdel, Atty. Raissa, Atty. Laisa, Dampy, Zen ...

And there are those whom I cannot see enough of, like Ama, Nana, my nephews and nieces (who despite their young ages are capable of dishing out nuggets of wisdom and serve as a window to my own childhood, which I dearly miss), my brother and sisters, and my Yamin, one of life?s best gifts to me and my companion.

There are many other types of friends and I am already running out of categories to put them in.

While I may have a long list of friends, I also know that for some people, even just one friend who is true, honest, faithful and real is more than enough.

I have asked myself if all I ever needed and had were just allies, and not friends. Of course I know the answer now. I don?t need allies because unlike friends, allies only know how to agree with you and stick by your side. Between allies, there is rarely an argument, and there is also rarely honesty. Alliances involve terms and conditions, friendships are only based on acceptance. And where it thrives, the friendship lasts long.

But friendships mean a lot more. Friends are honest enough to tell you you have done something wrong, faithful enough to take the opposite side, true enough to be there for you even if you act like stubborn fool, devoid of discernment and suffering the consequences of your misguided actions.

Being an imperfect, conflicted, at times emotionally distant and over-analytical fool, I am very, very, very blessed to have friends who keep me sane, grounded, real and laughing. As someone who is not used to intimacy with many persons, someone who is not used to being open and vulnerable, and someone who is almost instinctively suspicious, I am grateful to have these people in my life who have an amazing capacity to forgive and forget, to see through my flaws and overlook and accept them, and to just spare some time to listen and then help me explore my options.

My friends are people who believe in me not because they have seen me at my best, but because they have seen me at my worst. For everything in the past and for everything to come, I share the best of me with these people in my life.

Johaira C. Wahab, 24, is a graduate of the University of the Philippines College of Law.