ON THIS DAY dedicated to mothers, two former child stars, now award-winning actors Snooky Serna and Roderick Paulate, pay tribute to the most important women in their lives ? their moms, who both passed away recently.

Roderick?s Mamang Paz Paulate and Snooky?s Mommy Mila Ocampo were formidable show biz personalities in their own right ? having been their children?s managers and staunchest supporters (cheerleader/mentor for Roderick, fan/critic for Snooky).

In their last years together, however, the roles were reversed. The children became primary caregivers during their mothers? lingering illnesses. (Paz died of complications from diabetes, Mila of emphysema.)

Roderick and Snooky confess that they?re still finding it difficult to sort their moms? belongings. That?s the first step in the process of moving on, they both realize, but also the ?hardest part,? it has turned out.

Broken eyeglasses

Snooky Serna is taking it slow. ?I?ve opened only one-fourth of her bagahe [stuff]. Every time I go through her things, I cry. So I?m just protecting myself, I guess, knowing how emotional I can get. I don?t want to break down or go over-the-top in my grieving,? she told Inquirer Entertainment.

So far, the find that has touched her the most among her mom?s keepsakes is a broken pair of eyeglasses. ?A Cartier,? she said. ?I gave it to her.?

She was moved, she said, not only because her mom held on to it for years, but because of its state of disrepair. ?A rubber band held it together and one lens was missing,? Snooky related. ?I felt a bit guilty. I thought I was the greatest daughter on earth... but my mom used broken eyeglasses because she didn?t want me to spend on a new pair. She didn?t want to bother me.?

Complicated bond

Their relationship was ?quite complicated,? she admitted. ?We were so enmeshed... as if our hearts beat as one. I was her baby till the end and I enjoyed being babied by her.?

When her mom passed on, Snooky said, she understood what it was to feel crippled. ?The pain was so intense; it was physical. The first few weeks [Mila died in January], it was as if I had no legs and all I could do was float about.?

Instead of getting better, the situation got worse, and she had to consult her psychiatrist. She recounted: ?I asked my shrink why I felt disabled. Was I going crazy??

The doctor assured her that it was a normal reaction to grief, especially since she and her mom had been strongly ?connected.?

The actress volunteered that she had been seeing a psychiatrist for 14 years, and a priest ?for spiritual counseling.?

She said she coped, generally, by drawing, writing poetry and venting on her Facebook account.

Snooky also took consolation in the kind words of friends and industry colleagues who commiserated with her.

?In spite of my mom?s image as a feisty stage mother, a lot of people paid their respects ? even people she had misunderstandings with. For me, it confirmed that my mom lived a good life.?

As a tribute to Mila, Snooky posted a snapshot of theirs together as main profile picture on her FB page.

Like mom

Meanwhile, Snooky plans to spend Mother?s Day with her daughters Sam, 17, and Sachi, 14. ?It?s going to be a bonding day for us. We?ll watch a movie with my best friend Rina and her children.?

Sachi has started acting in school plays. Snooky said, ?She asked if she could join show biz. I said: Over my dead body! I?m afraid I?ll turn into my mom. Maybe worse.?

She?s honest to her kids, Snooky insisted. ?I don?t sugar-coat anything. I?m honest about my imperfections, even about my failed relationships. I want them to learn from me.?

Faded photographs

Roderick Paulate?s friends on Facebook often ask him to post old photographs from the 1970s, during his peak as a child and teen star.

?I have only a few photos with me,? he told Inquirer. ?I can?t tell them naman that I still can?t touch my mom?s things.?

In the last two years of Mamang Paz?s life, she stayed in Roderick?s house. ?She started gathering her things, without telling me. I thought she just took her favorite clothes, but the yaya (nanny) told me she kept other important things.?

Mamang?s boxes of souvenirs and snapshots sit undisturbed in Dick?s bathroom. ?I don?t want to open the boxes... I?m not ready,? he admitted.

Like a movie

When his mom passed away in November, scenes from his award-winning movie ?Ded na si Lolo? flashed in his head.

?Especially the burial scene, where Elizabeth Oropesa (who played his sister) was wailing...? he recounted. ?That made me choke. While everyone in the audience (at the Palm Springs Film Festival screening) was laughing, I was crying inside.?

While shooting that scene, he had ad-libbed, ?Sandali lang! Huwag n?yong isara ang kabaong. (Wait, don?t close the coffin!)?

?When I watch it now, I can?t laugh... it happened to me in real life kasi,? he said.

As his mother was being interred, Dick found himself uttering the exact same line. He suddenly asked to look at his mom one last time.

?My aunt was totally against it,? he recalled. ?We have a superstition in Bicol that if you stop a burial, another person in the family will die soon after.?

He had sought the advice of a friend who worked at the cemetery. ?My friend said there was no company policy against stopping an interment mid-way. It was my call daw. But, in the end, I didn?t want to argue with my aunt right there, so I just let it pass.?

The real test

Coping with the loss after that has been much harder, Dick pointed out. ?Sometimes it helps to keep myself busy, but there are moments when I miss her terribly ? particularly when I?m tired and all I need is her reassuring, unquestioning love and warm embrace.?

So now Dick finds it difficult to celebrate holidays and occasions, like Christmas and Mother?s Day. He will definitely visit Mamang?s tomb at the Loyola Memorial Park in Marikina. ?I used to treat her out, with the whole family, or host a small dinner party? he said.

He would?ve wanted to share with Mamang his three awards for ?Ded na si Lolo? ? Best Supporting Actor from Gawad Tanglaw and Pasado and, only this week, Best Comedy Actor from Enpress.

?I believe I got my drive to excel, to win awards, from my mom. I was inspired to do my best because I knew that it would make my mother happy and proud.?

In the past, every time he won a Best Child Actor trophy, the first face he?d look for in the crowd was his mom?s. ?All I ever wanted was to make her smile.?

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