LOS ANGELES??I am no Charlie Sheen.? Hugh Laurie instantly realized that he had just written our column headline as soon as those words came out of his mouth.

?Oh, no,? said the actor who stars in the TV series ?House.? ?I?m sure Charlie Sheen is a delightful fellow. I wish him all the best.?

What made Hugh refer to Charlie, who was in the news recently for reportedly trashing his hotel room in a naked, drunken rage, which his publicist blamed on an allergic reaction to medication? Hugh, blessed with self-deprecating British wit, was asked in an interview at the Peninsula Hotel if he had a wild side. ?I don?t think I have any sort of particular wildness,? he replied and then uttered our headline. Casually dressed, Hugh dropped by at the hotel for this chat before reporting to the set of his hit show.

So the guy who plays cynical, cantankerous Dr. Gregory House has never been caught nude and throwing tables and chairs around a hotel room? ?No, I have not but a man can dream,? Hugh dished, his trademark bug eyes twinkling.

?On stage, I suppose I can get lost,? the actor-musician said. ?In the moment of performing either music or when I?m acting, I can be overtaken by a slightly wilder side. I don?t get into fights or anything. I don?t trash the place. I?m fairly English and well behaved for the most part but then again, if I wasn?t, would I own up to it right now? I don?t know.?

Asked for his take on the words ?Love Sucks? on the lollipop that he is holding in the poster for the new season of ?House,? the Eton College and University of Cambridge-educated actor replied, ?If they wanted to say ?Love is Complicated,? you couldn?t fit it on the lollipop. You?d need a much bigger lollipop than that.?

On his sex scenes in the series with Lisa Edelstein (Dr. Lisa Cuddy), Hugh said, ?First of all, let me make it clear that I did not make out with Lisa. It was an arduous and rigorous piece of filming. It?s a difficult and awkward thing to represent physical affection on camera. I find it hard enough in real life but to do it in front of 200 people in jeans is very taxing. But fortunately, Lisa and I know each other very well. We?ve got on very well over the six or seven years that we?ve been doing this show.?

?This is a strange proposition for me to be assuming the role of a conventional leading man who gets the girl,? he admitted. ?It?s not how I?ve ever pictured myself but somebody had to step up, so I did a couple of sit-ups and launched in. I think three. Fortunately, Lisa is very easy on the eye so we can focus more on her silky gorgeousness and avoid the crazy ogre that I represent.?

In ?The Oranges,? moviegoers will focus on the ?crazy ogre? and the ?silky gorgeousness? of another actress. ?The film is being edited right now,? Hugh said of his comedy-drama. ?We shot it in the gap between last season and this season. It was a terrific script, really funny but touching story about a very inappropriate love affair between a 50-year-old man and a 20-year-old girl (Leighton Meester).?

?By the way, I play the 50-year-old man,? he deadpanned. ?I hope that the audience will find it funny, touching and oddly, sort of tender and romantic. I am sure some people may go, ?Oh, I don?t want to have anything to do with that.??

Congratulated on ?House? being declared as the most-watched TV show in the world, Hugh was characteristically candid. ?I am completely baffled by it, bewildered,? he began. ?There are certain things about ?House? that I could see are attractive ? the fact that he?s a healer, for one. I see he?s a tortured character. There?s something romantic about him, I suppose. But at the same time, I think of the show as exceedingly verbal. It?s verbally a very dense show, idiomatic, with a lot of complicated use of words. I?m astonished that density translates so well into other languages. Fortunately, I don?t have to understand it. The more mysterious it is, the more wonderful it is, really.?

Next year will see the release of Hugh?s first album, a blues set with guests like Tom Jones, Los Lobos? David Hidalgo and Dr. John, whom he idolizes. When Hugh revealed that he?s still thinking of a title for the CD and ideal venues for his concert tour, we suggested ?House of Blues? and that he performs in, well, the House of Blues chain. He smiled and said he liked the idea.

?Music is one of my great loves,? admitted Hugh who has a daughter and two sons with Jo Green, his wife since 1989. ?If I have a free hour or two, playing the piano is probably one of my favorite things to do. I hope my children have shared that. We?ve actually performed together as the Von Crap Family. That was our moniker. I delight in my own children?s musicality. There is nothing better than either playing with them or just sitting and listening to them play or sing.?

?I didn?t foresee any of this, that I?m sitting here declaiming about my life and work,? confessed the two-time Golden Globe winner. ?If I were 18 and looking at myself now, I would probably fall about laughing. We tend to look at other people?s lives and assume that where they got to is the result of a carefully considered decision that was inevitable, but in actual fact, I suspect that most human lives are more chaotic, surprising and unplanned than any of us think.?

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Emma Stone?s rising popularity may prove Hugh?s theory. Hollywood?s ?It? girl, who recently landed the plum Gwen Stacy role opposite Andrew Garfield in the new ?Spider-Man? movie, moved to LA from Arizona to doggedly pursue an acting career.

Only 15 at the time, Emma was ready to return to Arizona after months of fruitless auditions. But Emma?s mom, who was with her in LA, persuaded the budding actress to audition one last time for VH1?s ?The New Partridge Family.? The actress with the husky voice and striking large eyes won the reality contest show to bag a part in the pilot. So mom and daughter stayed. The pilot tanked but Emma got to meet Doug Wald, who remains her manager to this day.

In addition to starring in the reboot of the ?Spider-Man? series, Emma top-bills ?Easy A,? ?The Help? and other films. ?It?s incredibly flattering and so nice to hear something like that,? Emma said of the hot buzz about her. ?You start analyzing yourself a little bit more. But I know that next week, it will be a different person who has the buzz. I?m appreciating it now but it?s a temporary thrill.?

Asked if she really gave up a role in Zack Snyder?s ?Sucker Punch? to do ?Easy A? instead, Emma answered, ?That?s not entirely true. Timing-wise, it didn?t work out.?

In ?Easy A,? her comedy-romance with Penn Badgley, Amanda Bynes, Lisa Kudrow, Patricia Clarkson and Thomas Haden Church, Emma plays Olive, a clean-cut high school student who uses the rumor mill and becomes wildly popular. ?I?m sure that?s a hugely successful tactic in Hollywood,? she said with a throaty laugh about her character?s strategy. ?That would make me anxious?using rumors in order to advance my standing. I would have a hard time living as two different people in public and personal life. I don?t know if I would be able to live the way that Olive does.?

?I didn?t have a traditional high-school experience,? Emma revealed when asked about her own school memories. ?I was home-schooled so I didn?t have all that experience?all that stuff with popularity, sexuality or loss of virginity in high school.?

Emma clarified, ?This is not really a high school movie. Olive could be a 35-year-old woman in a workplace and it would still be the same. It?s still the story about reputation.?

On film sets being like in high school, the actress, who some say resembles Joan Crawford, said: ?There?s always good gossip in the hair and make-up trailer but what happens in the trailer stays in the trailer. I can?t repeat any of it.?

For insights on show business, Emma turned to Penn, her co-star and a regular on the ?Gossip Girl? show: ?I liked talking to Penn about all that because he?s got a lot of insight. He?s very smart.?

E-mail the columnist at rvnepales_5585@yahoo.com.