MANILA, Philippines -
Dear Emily,
I am 48 years old, married for 23 years and have three children.
My problem started in 1998 when my husband got a cell phone provided by his office. I was a novice and was curious about how to use it.
He carelessly left it lying around for me to read messages in his inbox and outbox and I discovered he had a text mate. They called each other ?Mahal? and, at the end of each text, they would put ?luv u.?
One evening, in early 1998, I heard him talking to someone on our landline. He immediately hung up when he saw me.
The phone bill registered a long distance call to Mindanao and the name of his ex-girlfriend. I met her long ago when my husband and I were still going steady.
It felt like I was hit with a blunt object. I could not breathe when I discovered it was her. I called up the girl and talked to her. She is a dean in one of the universities in Mindanao. She has remained single but has a daughter.
I asked if the girl was my husband?s daughter, and she said no. She had the gall to tell me I should not complain because my husband came home to me anyway, and that it was he who called her all the time!
She gave her daughter a name close to his. When I confronted my husband, he also said the daughter was not his. He kept quiet as I poured out my hurt feelings. I asked him what I did to deserve this.
He is a diabetic and is already taking insulin. I cannot count the number of times I have saved him from being comatose when his blood sugar dropped.
I felt very betrayed.
My children are also angry with him but they are leaving it to me to decide what to do next. He does not leave when I ask him to, and just keeps to himself until I calm down. One time he said, she was his stress reliever and he confided in her.
Last year he left our house, bringing some clothes with him. He stayed with my in-laws. I felt devastated and missed him. It hurts when he is not around and it hurts, too, when we are together and I see their text messages to each other.
We decided he would come back to me. He said he could not help doing what he was doing. He said he did not really know how he felt about the other woman. I learned that when she heard he left our house, she would not let him go to Mindanao as it would ruin her reputation.
The most she was willing to do was send him text messages and e-mail and maybe see him when she was in Metro Manila.
I could not help feeling that the only reason my husband came back to me was because his ex could not accommodate him in Mindanao.
After almost 10 years, they are still at it. I can feel that he loves me, but I cannot really understand why he keeps her between us. I know he has a weak personality, he is diabetic, I earn more, but I still love him.
He helps with house chores, cares for our kids and our seven dogs. He even gives me all his earnings.
What hurts, too, is when he sends me his message to her by mistake. I do not let him get away with it and I really let him have it verbally. But, as always, he just listens and keeps quiet, which is very frustrating.
What should I do? When I think about the future, he is not in it anymore. I always think that when I grow old I will be alone. I will travel and do things I have not had time for and just enjoy life and make myself happy.
Frustrated Wife
With a diabetic husband playing Russian roulette with his insulin problem, I would cut him some slack if I were you.
He is acting like a little boy with a toy. Sure, it hurts that he is fooling around on his cell phone. Big deal.
He and his virtual mistress had their chance when he left you, but they did not do anything about it. The other woman has too much to lose, and your husband probably is not worth ruining her name for. She clearly is not that much into him.
You say you love him and yes, he loves you, too though he sends text messages to this other woman. But it has been 10 years! And since both of you are neither coming nor going, ride along for as long as you can take him and his quirky ?affair? or start your plans for your new life earlier.
This business of sending text messages must have just become a habit for both of them. Just remember that words are like bubbles. They do not hold much, not water or sense in this instance.
E-mail the author at emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph, Subject: Lifestyle, or send your letters to Inquirer. Log on to www.pbs.gov.ph and listen to Ms Marcelo co-host the program ?Kalikasan Vigilante,? 7:15-8:30 p.m., Monday-Friday, on dwBR 104.3 FM.
