MANILA, Philippines - The headlines over the past few weeks have put many parents like me in a deep quandary about the state of this country. What does the future hold for our children as this mad circus takes place?

I choose to view this whole chain of events as an opportunity to teach my child about the importance of seeing what is real and to raise them to become truth-tellers.

When I was a child, there was only one instance that would merit spanking from my father?if I told a lie. Lying in any form was tantamount to receiving corporal punishment in our household.
Looking back, and seeing where we are now, I am glad that my dad was very harsh with us when it came to telling the truth.

I spoke with noted family psychologist Dr. Honey Carandang about what we as parents could do to help our children understand the current muddled state of the nation and the practical ways available to us to ensure that our children grow up to become truth-tellers.

Back in 2004, Dr. Carandang had delivered a speech to the Phi Kappa Phi Honor Society at the University of the Philippines on the subject of truth-telling and national healing.

She said: ?It takes a high level of intellectual ability to do truth manipulations and clever deception. This subtle, insidious process of truth distortion needs constant awareness because even the most honorable can be caught off-guard and unaware, and then it is too late.?

Dr. Carandang also quoted from Nobel laureate Aung San Su Kyi, who, talking about Vaclav Havel, said that, ?The intellectual should constantly disturb, should bear witness to the misery of the world, should be provocative by being independent, should rebel against all hidden and open pressures and manipulation. This role is very important, for we are the ones who will bare the truth, open people to new ideas and push them along new heights.?

Responsibility

As parents, we have the responsibility to steer our children in the right direction.

Nowadays the youth is in desperate need of role models that they can emulate and learn from, and this is where parenting plays a pivotal role.

?You cannot raise a truth-teller if you are not one yourself,? says Carandang.

However, we Filipinos, because of our history, have been traumatized and re-traumatized. ?From colonization, to Martial law... Just when we feel that we are about to recover, once again we find ourselves betrayed, and then a sense of powerlessness overcomes us.?

Carandang cites a 2005 column by Randy David where he compared the state of our country to the dilemma that a wife faces when she discovers that her own husband has raped his daughter.

?To ask him to go away because of the unspeakable betrayal is to expose the family to economic insecurity and ruin from which the family members cannot recover. This is how countless families end up staying silent... under the situation or regime of mendacity, abuse and pretense. They abhor this person in their midst but they fear the unknown even more. They invent all kinds of rationalizations to justify the arrangement. They hang on to the hope that someday he may reform. It?s a no-win situation for the mother. Only the thought of her child?s future makes her break her silence. When one is dealing with the pathology of the family or that of a nation, therapy must begin with the recognition that there is a problem.?

Four ways

Thus, Dr. Carandang says, there are four essential points that parents must remember in order to raise children who will become truth-tellers.

First, a parent needs to validate his or her child?s truth. For example, when a child comes home saying that his teacher has unnecessarily yelled at him, don?t just say, ?Well, that?s your teacher, you have to just take it.?

As a parent, you need to probe and validate what happened. If, indeed, the teacher was wrong, you can say to your child, ?Yes, okay, I understand, you have the right to feel angry, too.? Do not just set aside your child?s feelings, because it will erode his or her self-worth.

Second, don?t be impulsive. The reason many children lie is because they are fearful. Your child should be able to trust you, to know that you will accept the news and be non-judgmental.

When your child brings home a report card that is not up to your standards, do not just lash out at him or her. Find out what happened and try to find solutions together.

Third, when you catch your child lying, confront him or her and try to get the truth out. Don?t be in denial.

Last, but most important of all, be a truth-teller yourself. Carandang says children always watch and learn, so parents need to be vigilant about their behavior because children pick up signals so quickly and take these as gospel truth.

Thus, if there are issues within your family, confront them, no matter how painful. It is only by accepting these problems that you are able to move on and remain true to yourselves.

In light of what is happening in our country, Carandang emphasizes that as parents, we must inculcate in our children the values of truth and inner strength, for they are the only means by which we can achieve hope and get out of our predicament.

Once more she refers to Su Kyi, who defined truth and inner strength as ?a spiritual steadiness that comes from the belief that what you are doing is right even if it doesn?t bring you immediate concrete benefits. It?s the fact that you are doing something that helps shore up your spiritual power. It is very powerful.?

E-mail the author at cathybabao@gmail.com