MANILA, Philippines ? Dear Emily,
I have a dilemma. I am a husband who has had past affairs, and I have been wondering what to do to clear my conscience.
My wife is a very wonderful person and has loved me more than I deserve over the years. She learned about some of my past affairs after I told her many years ago. After almost 30 years of a wonderful marriage that continues to grow stronger, she seems to have forgiven me for my past known transgressions.
The problem is, I haven?t told her every affair that I ever had. She doesn?t know that two of the ex-lovers were and are still friends with her. We still see them occasionally and one of them is even a close relative of hers.
I have asked for forgiveness from those ladies since, and they just asked one request from me: that I never divulge my affairs with them to anyone?ever. It has been more than a decade since I?d had an affair.
Should I tell her everything now, or, to quote your last column, ?let sleeping dogs lie?? I feel that I am still cheating on her for not disclosing my past affairs.
For my part, I have resolved that I should tell her, but how will she take it? My biggest worry is, how?
ROMEO IN CALIFORNIA
It?s apparent that you want to take your remorse into another level?way down in the gutter. You not only want to cleanse your soul alone. You even want to drag your exes into an ugly wading pool?for forgiveness?
You were young and stupid and foolish?once upon a crazy time. The air has cleared, your wife fully forgave the transgressions she knew of. But you suddenly have these pangs of guilt and want to atone for each of them?
Okay, why not go to confession, say three Acts of Contrition, or, be extremely magnanimous and send a whole village of orphans to school. This way, you will be atoning for your sins silently while creating a better world for the rest of humanity?without rattling the status quo and making your ex-lovers change their identities to avoid the embarrassment of your disclosure.
Must the momentary follies of the flesh damn them till eternity?
Besides, how sure are you that your wife will still be this wonderful wife after hearing more confessions from you? Why not pursue the romantic route of atonement instead? Shoot two birds with one stone, so to speak?
Like?make a promise that you?d massage your wife?s feet till kingdom come. How about becoming truly the most loving, patient, kind, dedicated, generous, fun-loving, sex-machine personae to this wonderful woman? Do all these without qualms or whimper and see how she?d file your past dalliances in her mind as ?alleged.?
She might even do a Mrs. Spencer Tracy who, after her actor-husband?s death, told his longtime lover, actress Katharine Hepburn, ?I always thought you were just a rumor.?
Just be careful that while you?re cleansing your dirty hands, the mud you?ll be throwing out doesn?t land on some people?s faces.
E-mail the author at emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph, Subject: Lifestyle, or send your letters to Inquirer. Log on to www.pbs.gov.ph and listen to Ms Marcelo co-host the program ?Kalikasan Vigilante,? 7:15-8:30 p.m., Monday-Friday, on dwBR 104.3 FM.
