10 ways to keep intimacy in your marriage
By Anna Sobrepeńa
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 04:49:00 05/11/2008
MANILA, Philippines - I remember standing at the altar on my wedding day, wondering if it would be downhill from there on. How could I love the man beside me more than I did at that moment?
It was an apprehension that came from facing the unknown. A well-meaning friend had tried to dissuade me from binding myself for life to someone who was on the other end of the pendulum.
She was right. We were very different from each other in many ways. Even Feng Shui practitioners said we were not compatible.
So how to account for the last 24 years of marriage which have been the best years of my life?
We’ve picked up learnings along the way and we’re still at it, discovering avenues to make life for better and not for worse.
This is hardly a comprehensive list but doable and bite-size efforts go a long way for a happy togetherness till death do us part.
1 Keep a weekly appointment with each other. Friday was date night after we got married. It became Tuesday when the babies started coming and was adjusted over the years depending on the demands of a growing family and his increasing responsibilities at work. But we protected this time even if we were together everyday. It was downtime to watch a movie or give each other back rubs or a foot massage. Other times, we discussed things that needed to be done like house maintenance or vacation plans. Knowing I had this weekly venue freed me from nagging about a repair that need to get done or calculating the best time to bring up a sensitive issue.
2 Share thoughts. Besides doing things together, we talked about the experience. It keeps us in touch with each other’s thought life. We have animated discussions on movies, books, current events and homilies. Things happen to us during the day when we are apart. During the evening, we fill each other in on what happened and reflections we may have had. He talks about the latest successful microfinance initiatives and his continued hope that things can get better for this country. I tell him about a new restaurant and the amazing local chef who is on par with the world’s best. Besides bringing one another into each other’s day, we develop a communication skill that enriches not just the one speaking but also the listener.
3 Read the same page. There is some effort to build commonalities beyond what we normally share. Chito comes home with magazines and articles he finds interesting and shares these with me. He marks items in the morning papers and leaves it in my work space for me to read at leisure. I prop him up in bed to listen to the latest poem that thrilled me. We forward e-mails we find worthwhile to spend some precious moments on.
4 Speak gently. Modulated voices encourage listening to each other. One decibel higher can trigger a negative response. We have had to learn nuances in language that affect each other. I remind him that his management style of giving instructions sounds like he is talking to his secretary and not his wife. He will pause in the middle of a conversation to clarify if I am angry because my responses appear terse.
Timing is also important. Chito is a morning person whose faculties are astute the moment he opens his eyes. I wind up slowly and need my morning hug before taking in his list of things to do for the day.
Most importantly, the way we speak to each other and the way we speak of each other conveys, not just to one another but also to our children, household staff or anyone within hearing distance, respect or lack of it. Respect establishes the person and accords dignity that enables one to be their best selves.
5 Do things together. There are some things we both enjoy like spending hours in a book store, watching a play or cheering at our son’s basketball tournament, even if our understanding of the game is limited to getting the ball into the correct basket. On some occasions we will do things that the other likes. He likes watching Tagalog films. I get a high on symphonic performances. We go to both and get an education in what we might never have ventured to learn on our own.
6 Wear something nice. The children used to ask when they were younger where I was going when they saw me dressing up. I told them their daddy was coming home and I was preparing to look nice for him when he walked through the front door. Besides being a pleasing sight, it also made me feel good about myself. The most important person in my life was the one I slept with at night and woke up beside with in the morning. The way I looked was one way I conveyed my regard for him.
When we were newly married, I promised myself never to go around in curlers or use dusters. I had lounge wear and lovely night clothes. Some months after, he arrived from a trip abroad excited to show his pasalubong. I was aghast to see him unfurl three shapeless, cotton garments and asked him what those were. He replied happily, “Duster ’to. Wala ka kasing duster.” It turns out he liked the duster on women and I have since added a few into my wardrobe.
7 Give gifts. I have a photograph of my husband precariously leaning to pick wild flowers on the roadside. He had asked the driver to take the picture to show the lengths he went to bring those to me. It was certainly more precious than the washing machine he told me to buy for my birthday present. His efforts counted more than the cost of the laundry device. One of the things he most appreciated from me was the soundtrack of a Tagalog film he liked. I had it reproduced from the studio of the film company, designed the packaging and sat with him to listen to the music. Gifts can convey how special a person is.
8 Hug. Smile. Cuddle. Laugh together. Litter the day with gestures that affirm each other. Touch each other constantly with hands and eyes, notes and text messages. Morning rituals like rolling into his arms when he wakes up, or hugging skin to skin after a shower have been starting off our days well and brings pleasant anticipation of homecoming at the end of the day.
9 Share meals. Some of the most important decisions and agreements have been made over the dinner table. Dining is meant to be pleasurable. It is done at leisure in relaxed circumstances. Lectures and unpleasant subject matter is discouraged. Serving palate pleasers is an important factor. I claim no culinary giftedness but I work with the cook to make sure that we have good food. We aim for a new recipe once a week. Once when we had foreign guests, my husband remarked how pleased he was when we entertain visitors from abroad because I served Filipino food. That was my cue to put in more local fare over my fancy menus.
10 Remember the spouse is not the enemy. We do not always agree on things but cultivating a mind set that we are on the same side helps to keep discussions reasonable. In the end, after we have listened to each other and still do not agree, I let him win. My husband’s equanimity is more important to me than being right about anything, whether it is taking the Edsa route over the C5 road or deciding when to build the vacation house.
Most often, it is not a matter of right or wrong but of preference and in the end, we both win because giving in brings out magnanimity on his part and we become generous with each other. In the end, curling up with a good book doesn’t come close to having someone who laughs at your jokes, rubs your soles and finishes what’s left of a coke.
The author is the editor of Lifestyle Asia and wife to banker Chito Sobrepeńa.
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