MANILA, Philippines - She stares at me. Just stares. As if she doesn?t know me.

For several months, we suspected that she was retreating into an unknown world. Her family was in denial. She was recovering from a stroke and lapses were expected. At first there was nervous laughter when she acted confused.

She covered up with jokes. But when she climbed into our van on all fours, nobody laughed. And when she couldn?t find her way from the kitchen to her bedroom, we were seriously worried.

Soon she became agitated, moody, irrational and sometimes violent. She looked angry and frightened. Her healthy appetite vanished. She lost weight, became listless and kept grinding her teeth.

A ?peg? (percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy) tube was installed to feed her. She still could eat ice cream or yogurt without choking. She was quite alert and turned when we called her name. But soon she started to fade.

Whenever I visited, I thought she brightened up. A few times she even said my name. One day I saw her eyes filling up with tears. But they remained unshed. This woman who used to weep over anything?music, poetry, the sunset, a tired horse pulling a calesa?now struggled just to cry.

Quiet and vacant

Today she sits quietly in her wheelchair or in bed reclined on a mountain of pillows, staring vacantly into space. Her only company is a loving caregiver who is with her 24/7. She shows no sign of pain. There are no lines on her face. The sun and windburn scars from years of sailing are now gone. Her complexion is supple and smooth. One would think that all is right with her world.

But her hands have atrophied into fists.

When the neurologist finally gave his diagnosis a few years ago, it was the first time I heard the word dementia. I read up on it and dared look up the dreaded ?A? word.

No cure

The definition is ominous. In 1906 German physician Alois Alzheimer described it as ?a progressive and fatal brain disease with no known current cure?. A century later, there is still no cure.

What are the symptoms? The experts list 10 basic tell-tale signs.

Loss of memory. Forgetting recently learned information is one clue. While a ?senior moment? about names or appointments is normal, memory failure that disrupts everyday life is not part of the aging process.

Familiar tasks become difficult. Some forget the steps involved in cooking a meal or playing a game. Relax. It is okay if you sometimes wonder why you came into a room or what you wanted to say.

Forget simple words and substitute them with unusual ones. We all have trouble finding the right word at times. A ?tip of the tongue? episode once in a while is not a red flag.

Disoriented and confused. Alzheimer?s disease (AD) victims get lost in their own neighborhood not knowing how they got there, and worse, how to get back home. It is however not alarming not to remember what day it is.

Poor or impaired judgement. They may wear heavy clothes on a warm day, or vice-versa. Many make decisions to give their money away to strangers. But if you are worried about falling for the line of a glib-tongued suitor, cheer up. Like the song says: You?re not sick, you?re just in love.

Problems in abstract thinking. It becomes difficult to perform a complex mental task. Some forget what numbers are or what they are for. If you can?t balance your check book, don?t worry. Many are like you.

Keep things in weird places, such as the iron in the freezer, or a watch in the cookie jar. By the way it is considered normal to misplace your car keys or your wallet.

Changes in behavior and mood swings. From quiet and calm suddenly they break down in tears or erupt in a rage for no reason at all.

Dramatic personality changes. Once submissive and soft spoken, the AD victim may become profane, quarrelsome, paranoid or totally dependent. But we do change with age. We mellow.

People with AD become passive, sleep more than usual, and refuse to socialize. However it is also natural for people of age to beg off social obligations. They are tired and have been there, done that.

Helpless

My friend exhibits all of the above. Once gregarious and always full of life, today she is shattered and helpless.

An excess buildup of ?plaque and tangles? in the spaces between the 100 billion nerve cells (neurons) in the brain has robbed her of her mind and her life. Go figure that out. Google it.

In describing what happened to world-renowned Hollywood star Rita Hayworth, who died in 1987 at age 68 of Alzheimer?s disease, a writer said: ?It is never any one thing. It is like a million drops of water blemishing a stone.?

They say that with Alzheimer?s, ?The mind dies first. The names, dates, places, that interior precious scrapbook made up of memories of an entire life fade into oblivion, into the mist of nonrecognition.?

My friend has become one with that mist. She fought hard to hang on. I saw terror in her eyes. But she lost. The mist engulfed her, claimed her totally and irrevocably and she will never return.

I used to play games with her. I sang part of a song, stopped in mid-phrase and let her finish the line. And she did. Later on she could give only the last word; and then, just the last syllable.

I played ?remember when? desperately trying to awaken some part of whatever memory still slumbered in her mind. I talked about our children. I reminded her of the night we fell in a ditch in my little green car.

She laughed out loud. It was a story I would repeat over and over, just to hear her laughter. But one day she stopped laughing.

When she could still speak, she recited the names of the boys who had fallen in love with her. She was a beautiful girl and there was a long line of young men beating a path to her door.

There were stories that she was the sister of a famous Hollywood actress. I thought she was prettier. Her smile was dazzling. Her eyes were light brown with dancing sparks of green. Her hair had a glint of reddish gold.

Still beautiful

Today, at 81, the gold has turned to rich silver. She is still beautiful.

Many times I lie down beside her and cradle her in my arms like one would a baby. Sometimes I tell her of my joys and my woes, like in the old days. She is quiet. She must feel so alone, unloved and lonely.

When I say goodbye, I tell her I love her. Does she hear me? She does not know who I am. I leave and my heart breaks wondering, what has become of my best friend? Where has she gone? Has she found peace in the silence? Oh I pray that she has.

In the meantime, she just sits there and stares. It is almost as if she was waiting; but for what, or for whom? I really can?t say. I only know that she will remain like this?until Jesus calls her home.