MANILA, Philippines?The loss of a parent is one of the saddest, most difficult experiences a child can go through. Depending on his development stage, the child will react in different ways. There are many things to consider?the child?s age, the manner of the loved one?s death and the kind of relationship the child had with the deceased parent.

Dr. William Worden, a leading expert in the field of children and bereavement, was co-director of the landmark Child Bereavement Study conducted at Massachusetts General Hospital in the late 1990s. Their key finding: The one variable that most strongly affects the functioning of a child after a loss is the functionality of the surviving parent.

?If that parent is depressed, if he or she is not able to maintain a consistency within the home with regards to homework, discipline, etc., that child is going to have a much more difficult time adjusting to the loss,? said Worden.

It is, therefore, very important for parents to role-model positive griefwork for their children. This is difficult to do considering that the parent is himself or herself grieving.

These are some of the characteristics of children?s grief, according to Worden?broken into three categories based on age group:

Preschoolers/young children. It is very common for this age group to show major regression to earlier development stages in areas such as toilet-training or even language.

School-age. Many children of this age somaticize grief; headaches and stomach aches become prevalent. Clinging behavior is also quite typical, with the child wanting to be with the surviving parent at all times. Aggressive behavior, particularly in boys, may also be observed.

Adolescents. Their grief is often very similar to that of adults.

Telling behavior

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry suggests that parents seek counseling if and when their children exhibit the following behavior:

?Depression so severe that the child displays little or no interest in his or her usual activities.
?Inability to eat, sleep normally or be alone.
?Imitation of the deceased person.
?Repeatedly wishing to join the deceased.
?Loss of interest in friends or play.
?Refusal to attend school, or a persistent and marked drop in school achievement.

Again, the best thing a parent can do is to be in touch with his or herself so that positive role-modeling on grieving can be seen by the kids. One must be honest with the children and avoid using euphemisms when talking to them about death.

Never ever say to a child, ?Daddy is just sleeping,? lest you turn your child into an insomniac. Find out what they know about the loss and be honest but gentle with them. A child must know that he or she can find safe haven in the surviving parent?s arms.

Helping the child find a venue to express his or her sadness is very important?art, play therapy, journaling if the child is old enough, and other forms of creative expression to help her concretize grief.

When our son died in 1998, his sister, then seven, wrote on her journal like there was no tomorrow. It was one of the key tools we used to help her find a way to express her sadness.

You can cry in front of your child, but don?t do it excessively, in a way that immobilizes you. Showing vulnerability can be healthy and sends the message that it is okay to be sad and to shed tears when necessary.

Preparing the class

Teachers can help lessen a bereaved child?s anxiety by preparing the class before the child returns to school. The teacher can discuss the loss and explain how their classmate may behave differently.

The teacher must also be extra sensitive to the bereaved child?s needs, cutting him or her extra slack if the child lags behind in schoolwork. The child may also be extra-sensitive to activities related to the family, such as family day, mother-daughter or father-son school events.

I remember one horror story of how a teacher, trying to explain death to her class, asked her students if anyone of them had lost a parent. One girl, whose father had passed away three years ago, refused to raise her hand. The insensitive teacher singled out the girl and asked her pointblank, ?You, didn?t your father pass away three years ago?? The poor girl broke down and was inconsolable for hours.

Children who have lost a family member need to be reassured by teachers and friends that, one day, it will be possible to be happy again, and that there are others like them who have lost a parent.

Losing a parent during childhood has effects that sometimes could last a lifetime. We parents cannot, no matter how hard we try, shield our children from the pain of loss.

But we can always choose to be there for them and give them safety and comfort, to help them navigate the road from a place of sadness to a place of hope.

Email the author at cathybabao@gmail.com