DEAR EMILY,
I am a 59-year-old college professor and separated for 19 years now. I have two beautiful daughters and a grandson, and have been living in for the past seven years with a partner who is 34 years old. I really don’t know where to begin. Maybe these all stem from feeling empty, lonely, frustrated, etc.
I put him through school, where he took up Caregiving, and I provided all his financial needs, not to mention emotional, moral . . . He is basically a good person, very domesticated even, that he hasn’t had the initiative to look for work. Even my daughter has noticed and constantly questioned this. Whatever he contributes to the family coffers, it is only through the courtesy of his father who is in the United States and this does not even come on a regular basis. Lately and suddenly I’ve felt this burden mentally, physically, emotionally and financially.
Why? Because I realize now how much I’ve missed in life, the dreams that I had envisioned for myself since I was a teen. This awakening came when I met a foreigner and I saw in him the kind of man I would like to spend my life with. We really didn’t have a relationship, just friendship that was so full of sincerity and warmth. Maybe if he had stayed longer I would have fallen in love with him. But it wasn’t meant to be. He left after six months. I don’t know what came over me but I’ve been so broken-hearted since. Why is it that I can’t seem to find that elusive man, not even on the Net? What is wrong?
FRUSTRATED PROFESSOR
You just got tired of carrying a millstone ’round your neck for so long.
After meeting this foreigner, you realized how wonderful it is to have an intelligent conversation going, to be catered to and wined and dined and be treated as daintily as every woman dreams. You are also at that age when all you want is to slow down and be pampered and not be bothered with the nitty gritty and mundane aspects of living.
You want to put up your feet, relax and wish to have the security of having a strong person in your life—which you don’t have now.
He probably served your primal needs at the beginning of your relationship. You could have been at your most needy stage and he provided the excitement then—to your “eternal” gratitude. But as in all love affairs that flow and ebb, this partner failed to sustain your passion because of his lethargy. This boy toy has gotten so used to being babied by you that he doesn’t feel any need to change his ways. And in the deepest recesses of your mind, you know you’re through and you’ve had enough!
Can you say to his face that you’re tired of him and want him out of your life? The upside of that is your freedom. The downside though is you might develop withdrawal syndrome from him and regret it later—swallow your pride and continue living with him anyway—which could only prolong this agony in the end.
Why not take a sabbatical from each other and see where that goes? You won’t see the trees from the forest if you don’t give yourself space. Are you broken-hearted enough to lose this partner for good and out of your life forever, or do you just want to take a breather long enough to heal all your pains and hurts and be able to accept him—warts and all, again? You’re thinking of how green the grass is on the other side. Is it really? Looks can be very deceiving.
E-mail the author at emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph, Subject: Lifestyle, or send your letters to Inquirer. Log on to www.pbs.gov.ph and listen to Ms Marcelo co-host the program “Kalikasan Vigilante,” 7:15-8:30 p.m., Monday-Friday, on dwBR 104.3 FM.
