YOU can call me a window-shopping sportsman. I?ve tried more sports than most people, and have failed or been thrown out of each one of them.

Softball?At seven, I got whacked in the eye with a bat, saw stars, woke up 15 minutes later.

Basketball?I was too vertically-challenged.

Chess?I gave it up after realizing it didn?t impress the girls.

Pelota?I kept losing to Susie, her brother and father.

Soccer?I was kicked off the team for being ?defeatist.?

Swimming?I got into varsity, finished last in every single meet, but learned how to tolerate humiliation (useful for many later incidents with girls).

Cycling?There were determined, industrial-strength insects where I lived.

Golf?When I ran out of money, I had to sell my club share.

Water-skiing?I repeatedly got dragged and lost trunks, just when I was suffering from ?shrinkage? (if you don?t know what this means, ask a Seinfeld fan).

Riding?I had to quit after rolling in the mud in Central Park, after I got scraped against a tree on Rotten Row, nearly dragged the length of a field at the Polo Club, and got almost thrown on a highway in Jamaica.

Shooting?I realized I was scared of loud noises.

Jet-skiing?I couldn?t face the repair bills anymore.

Scuba-diving?I got seasick.

Ice skating

Once upon a time in Boston, Paula invited me to go ice skating. ?It?s easy,? she murmured, before shoving me out into the rink?straight into the path of a couple of skaters. In a flash, we were a tangle of bodies, and I narrowly missed getting my fingers decapitated.

Paula had to hold me around the waist for the rest of the session. It made me feel good, but it did not impress Paula, who subsequently told me she would need no further assistance with her term paper.

Now, I have found myself spending time in Canada, where babies are taught to ice-skate at the age of one, and play hockey by two. I held off for some time, but sooner or later I had to be a man and go out on the ice.

Ice skating and playing hockey in Canada mean that, although you can go to a rink, if you have any self-respect at all, you should find yourself a nice frozen lake.

A frozen lake is not located indoors but outdoors. It is a lake that froze because the temperature was below 10 degrees for several weeks, so no matter how cold you may think an ice rink is, a frozen lake is much, much colder.

Second, lakes have all sorts of bumps from wind and refrozen snow. Any one of these bumps can send you flying, if your weight is on the wrong skate. Also, if there is snow on the ice (which is most of the time), you must clear your own rink with a shovel. This can take half a day, but you can stand it if you think about the Northwest pioneers who had no indoor plumbing or heating.

Third, there is no bench where you can change from shoes to skates, so you must sit on the ice (brrr!) or balance on one foot while trying to change the other (oww, when you fall).

When I finally got the skates on, my hips were black and blue. I discovered something else?outdoor ice is a lot more slippery than rink ice.

But on my first hour I never fell. Not even once. I just sort of crept around one inch at a time, paralyzed with fear.

On my second hour a day later, I figured out that you must get your center of gravity so if you fall, it will be on your knees and elbows (not too bad), and not on your head (not too good).

On my third hour, I was approached by a nosy skier (yes, you can ski on frozen lakes and other areas). ?You haven't skated much, have you?? He became sympathetic when I told him I was from the tropics and when I told him to mind his own damn business.

By my fourth hour, I was gliding along just like in the movies, and by my fifth hour, I could hold a hockey stick and move forward, though not at the same time.

I suppose you have seen hockey on TV. Do you know that all those players need a full set of false teeth by the time they?re 18? This is why. If you are going on a hockey match, don?t do it with tall Canadians. Play only with half-grown or, better yet, pint-size ones. And stay away from their hockey sticks.

For my first hockey match, I accepted a challenge from some kids. Towering over them by two feet, I felt pretty darn self-assured. I showed them no mercy. But, they beat me, six to nothing.

Now, it is time to move on. I?m planning to take up Alpine skiing. Unlike frozen lakes, most snow, when you fall on it, is soft.