MANILA, Philippines ? When people ask me where bullying starts, I often tell them that as parents we are responsible for the behavior that our children manifest outside the house.

Michael Thompson, psychologist and co-author of "Mom, They're Teasing Me" says: "Attempts to wipe out bullying will succeed only if they are system-wide and if everyone agrees on broad definitions of what's acceptable or unacceptable behavior."

Any school can have a wonderful anti-bullying program but if the parents are not brought into the equation in cascading what is defined as inappropriate behavior, or do not express interest in the program, then the incidence of bullying will continue to rise and the program will not succeed. On the other hand, a parent can take all the necessary precautions to ensure that his/her child is protected but if the school does not have an effective anti-bullying program, then the parent only ends up terribly disappointed.

In the Philippine setting, an anti-bullying program can only be effective if both the school and the parents' association work together to discourage bullying, both in private and public schools. We've all probably read and heard the countless horror stories of classmates and, sadly, even teachers who bully children.

Bullying, by definition, is aggressive behavior that involves an imbalance of power and strength and which is repeated over a period of time. As opposed to conflict, which involves a misunderstanding or antagonism between two or more people, bullying only occurs where there is an imbalance of power, where one child has great difficulty defending himself or herself against another child or person. Parents and teachers need to send this message to the child: "Bullying is wrong and no one deserves to be bullied. We will do everything we can to stop this from happening again."

Unfortunately, that is often not the case in the Philippine school setting. Noted psychologist and author Dr. Honey Carandang has often expressed her disappointment over the seeming lack of concern that school authorities have shown towards bullying incidents that take place right under their noses. "It's really sad how, instead of being helped, the bullied child is sometimes even blamed for the bullying that has taken place." Carandang feels that there needs to be more programs put in place to further educate teachers and administrators about the dangers of bullying and to teach them to be more sensitive. "There are three persons who need to be helped and empowered here--the bully, the bullied and the bystander." Carandang agrees that everyone needs to be part of the solution and that if a teacher or student is in a class or is a witness to a bullying incident elsewhere on campus and does nothing, then that person is as much a part of the problem as the bully.

Good communication and role-modelling begin at home. From the time children learn to talk, parents can have a running conversation with them about how their day went. As parents, we need to be observant of our children's behavior, appearance and mood, and to look out for signs of the child being bullied or engaging in bullying behavior. Carandang says that being a victim of long-term bullying can result in a deep depression and even suicidal thoughts. Studies show too that children who bully are often arrogant and boastful winners and poor losers when they engage in competitive games.

The manner by which a child is disciplined at home establishes a pattern for his/her interaction with other children in school. A parent who disciplines a child with yelling or hitting is teaching a child to react in that manner with other people. The child who exhibits bullying behavior in school has, more often than not, been the target of that kind of behavior in the home. Boys who observe their fathers verbally or physically abusing their mothers at home will handle disputes in a similar manner. Name-calling is a very popular form of bullying behavior among some children, especially in the earlier grades, and parents need to be very careful about the language that children hear at home. Terms such as - "weird," "bakla," "lampa," "taba or baboy," "tanga" should not be used at home nor tolerated at all.

However, and this is embarrassing to admit, some parents can be bullies too. One of the problems that nearly all schools have to deal with at some time or another is bullying behavior on the part of a parent. Parents who want to address a problem with a teacher or a school administrator should do so in a cool and civilized manner. It becomes even more appalling when the bullying is directed by a parent on another child. I was appalled at stories from my son's former school on how some overbearing mothers would actually wait for their son's "offending" classmate during dismissal time and confront the child! Talk about role-modeling! Parents who also punish their children for not fighting back physically only add to their child's problems. Unfortunately, the parent who engages in bullying behavior often exhibits this behavior both toward school personnel and his/her own child.

As a parent, therefore, you need to do some serious self-examination when you have a child who has been accused of bullying behavior. A child, especially one below the age of 10, only behaves or expresses himself or herself in accordance with what signals he or she has received. A parent's first question, before taking any action, needs to be, "What have I done to contribute to this situation?" The answers may not be pleasing, but if you really want to help your child, you will have to confront those answers and help yourself first.