MANILA, Philippines ? Sometime back, I was talking about adoption with a friend when he interrupted me with a shocking revelation about a child he had introduced to me as his youngest: ?You know, Joel isn?t really my son. He?s actually my grandson. Should I tell him the truth??

My friend?s daughter had gotten pregnant as a young, single adolescent, and since she didn?t have any financial resources and was having emotional difficulties accepting the child, my friend and his wife decided to ?adopt? the baby. I used quotes here because the couple resorted to a common practice in the Philippines called ?simulated birth,? where the child?s birth certificate is faked, with the adoptive parents? names used instead of the biological ones. In effect, the adopted child becomes their biological child.

Simulated births are actually illegal, but many Filipino couples do it to avoid the bureaucratic procedures and financial costs that a legal adoption entails.

There?s also a cultural angle to simulated births: adopted children are still stigmatized, mainly because of the assumption that the child?s mother probably had a ?questionable? background. After all, the thinking goes, a decent woman wouldn?t just give up her child. A simulated birth therefore becomes a way of shielding the child from the stigma associated with adoption.

The adoption scene in the Philippines is complicated, often paradoxical. While adopted children are stigmatized, adoptions happen all the time, usually through ?extra-legal? means.

People adopt out of compassion, sometimes almost impulsively. I?ve heard of abandoned children (and there are so many) literally picked off the street, or of neighbors taking in a child whose parents have died unexpectedly. Then there are kind employers who decide to adopt the child of a household help, usually someone who has become pregnant out of wedlock, or already has too many children.

Another common practice, especially in this age of Filipino diaspora, is for relatives to become guardians of a nephew, niece or grandchild, while the parents are working in a distant place. If the biological parents stay abroad for a long time, the guardianship almost becomes a de facto adoption, almost always without legal papers.

There are also childless couples who adopt a child, hoping this will ?invite,? in a magical way, other siblings to follow via the biological route. I worry about this practice because when the biological children do follow, sometimes the adopted child loses favor, or might even become resented.

Other families may already have children, but all of the same gender, so they end up adopting the ?missing? son or daughter. Still other couples, and this is the dark side of adoption, simply want cheap and free household help, or someone to care for them when they?re old.

Filipinos don?t usually go to orphanages or the Department of Social Welfare when they?re looking for a child to adopt. There are always relatives, friends, neighbors, household help? and the streets. With religious conservatives dismantling family planning programs in the country, there?s a growing market out there dealing in unwanted babies. The sellers vary, from young unwed mothers to middle-aged women who have too many mouths to feed. The babies are offered for as low as P5,000. Be warned though that giving money in exchange for a child, even if done with the best of intentions, is considered a form of child trafficking.

But that?s not all. We now have our own form of surrogate motherhood, with some pregnant women offering to give a couple their still unborn child at birth so that the adoptive couple can register the child as their own.

All these cultural variations complicate adoption, presenting all sorts of challenges for lawyers, psychologists, teachers, and the adoptive parents themselves.

Let?s start with the matter of disclosure. Because of adoption?s stigma, many parents postpone telling the child about their parentage until they?re adolescents. That couldn?t be a worst time, given the many other problems a teenager faces. I am, therefore, a firm believer in telling an adopted child the truth, as early as possible.

But with my friend?the lolo/tatay ?my advice was that it would probably be better not to let the child know, because the child could end up resenting, even hating, his biological mother (whom he knows, right now, as an elder sister, a rather stern and distant one).

Should you maintain ties with the biological parents? I?d advise against that. Differences in value systems and economic status can be problematic if the child shuttles between the biological and adoptive parents. You?ll also find some biological parents latching on to the adoptive family for economic support.

I do believe, though, that whenever possible, adoptive couples should try to find out who the biological parents are. There are two reasons for this. First, it?s good to be able to get, through an intermediary, the biological parents? medical history, just so you know what health problems (e.g. diabetes, hypertension) your adopted child might be predisposed to. I wouldn?t be too concerned about character attributes since these are largely shaped by upbringing, rather than by genes.

A second reason for knowing who the biological parents are is that someday, your adopted child might want to look them up. I believe this is their right, and when they are old enough and want to meet those parents, they should be assisted. It?s a gamble, no doubt, but I am also certain that if you give an adopted child a good family life, he or she will decide to stay with you.