MANILA, Philippines ? The wise always say that the first cut is the deepest. This is particularly true for Hannah Paulino (not her real name) who describes her sexual encounter with first boyfriend Francis as her worst experience so far.

She was a junior in high school and having it all, Hannah recalls. ?I was voted prom queen and headed several school organizations. On top of that, I had a boyfriend who pampered and even spoiled me to bits.? She was driven to school in his Mercedes, was gifted a cellular phone on her birthday and enjoyed two all-expenses paid vacations to Boracay courtesy of his family. ?Everything I asked for was given to me in an instant, no questions asked. He also gave me emotional support. All that attention made me think that I should also be ready when he asks me something in return.?

The moment came three years ago when the couple was celebrating their fifth month anniversary at a common friend?s party. It was there that Francis asked Hannah to have sex with him. Neither of them was drunk or drugged, but she felt inclined to say yes, she recalls. ?It all happened so fast that I couldn?t even remember where we started fooling around. We were watching ?American Pie? when he whispered something in my ear. Next thing I knew, the sun was already up and I was naked in bed with him.?

Now a 19-year-old college sophomore, Hannah admits that it was stupid of her to give in to him and to agree to have their intimacies recorded on camera. Using his cellular phone, Francis videotaped ten minutes of their lovemaking. ?He asked permission and I obliged. I had overlooked the fact that there was no turning back for me after that since he was in control of everything.? She adds, ?The whole time we were doing it, he was moving the camera at different angles, all pointed towards me. I didn?t know what I was thinking, being such a dupe and making seductive faces as he recorded away.?

The biggest shock for Hannah, however, came a year after. In February 2006, someone anonymously uploaded the video in a social networking website where it was available for free downloading. ?Fine, I didn?t get pregnant or kicked out of school, but my face was all over the World Wide Web. It wasn?t available in popular sites like YouTube or Youku but there were direct links to the video that were spread in mailing groups,? she says.

Incidentally, it was around that same time when Hannah and Francis called it quits. ?My eldest brother received the video file and the link to the website where my sex video was uploaded,? she recounts. ?The first thing that came to my mind was, how could he do this to me? He was my first and I treated that experience with sanctity. But after he circulated our video, I felt really violated. I cried every night for almost a month, but thankfully, my family understood,? says Hannah, the youngest and only girl among five siblings. ?All my brothers wanted to kill the guy, but of course that would only aggravate the problem. So they only beat him up during a party.?

As expected, the sex video had a lot of repercussions on Hannah. ?Schoolmates started calling me names like Poxy, short for pok-pok (prostitute), or Sluts, as in slutty whenever I was around. Some of my friends also turned their backs on me, and this went on even when I entered college,? she says. ?Even my closest friends took part in the gossip and the backstabbing. I felt bad for them, but even worse for myself.?

There was also a time when she was bashed in online journals and social networking sites, to the point that she had to close down most of her accounts on the Net. She says, ?My web pages would get more than 2,000 hits a day, and I would receive personal messages from strangers asking for my number or congratulating me for the video. It was devastating.?

But looking back, Hannah muses, the whole experience taught her to toughen up, pick up the pieces and think of ways to reinvent herself. ?I knew I couldn?t totally run away from my past, but I could always opt to improve who I am as a person. I could also change the way I look. Because although I?ve learned to accept every part of me, there are still others who look down on me.?

Fortunately for Hannah, her parents were supportive and willing to provide for the cost of a complete make-over, from hair rebonding and hair coloring to skin tanning. Her mother, who suggested that she go through a physical transformation to help her heal, also helped her ignore what others were saying about these changes.

Says Hannah: ?I never anticipated that my mom would be this supportive even if what I did was unquestionably immoral and taboo. I mean, she has always been a good mother to us. When the scandal broke out, she never let go. Sure I was grounded for the rest of the year, no late-night gimmicks, no house parties and no beach escapades. But it was all worth it.?

So was the make-over. ?There were those who didn?t recognize me at first, which I took as a good sign, but they were mostly those who never grew tired of talking about me," says Hannah, adding: ?I?m more comfortable with who I am now and there?s no stopping me from defying people?s perceptions about those who get involved in sex scandals like myself.?

Hannah has also learned to regard her academics as part of therapy to divert her attention from all the distractions around her. She says, ?Here in school, everyone?s so concerned with how you feel, but I don?t get why they have to meddle in issues not their own. Why don?t people just study and stop gossiping? I am aware that my peers are still talking about what I did in high school, but past is past. We must all learn to look ahead and move forward.?

Indeed, in her struggle to go beyond this dark episode in her life, Hannah has been invited to speak in gatherings where social issues and youth concerns are discussed. On summer breaks, she also gets involved in skills workshops and summer camps of church-based organizations. She says, ?I want to tell the whole world that although a big part of me regrets what I did, I have come to accept this as a learning experience. I want to challenge the youth today to use media and technology properly and help them choose their options when they?re caught in situations that arise from premarital sex.? So far, says Hannah, she has been receiving positive feedback for sharing her personal insights.

Another way of coping, she adds, is by keeping herself busy in the kitchen. This Rachael Ray fan bakes everything from simple oatmeal cookies to scrumptious double-layer chocolate cakes. ?I can do this for hours without getting bored or hungry!? says Hannah, who sells her goodies to friends and relatives. Her sideline, she adds proudly, also supplements her daily allowance. ?This is one way of showing gratitude to my parents for their support,? she says.

This, the opportunity to prove what she?s really worth, has been one of the greatest blessings she?s been given since the video scandal, says Hannah, who admits to still having occasional nightmares about the incident. ?There are times when I have flashbacks and I get really scared. But I just remind myself that I am a strong, beautiful woman and I can overcome this,? she says. ?I?ve learned my lesson well, and there is no other way but up.?