I HATE Pampanga. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I sat behind the wheel on the side of the road where I had pulled over to compose myself. I had been driving for two hours, alone, all the way from Makati, and none of the roads seemed to lead to the village where Claude and Maryanne Tayag live, the venue for this noon?s lechon fest. I had driven, it seemed, all around Angeles? Poblacion, made friends and fought with jeepney drivers, yet still felt like a mouse in a maze. ?All for lechon,? I said aloud quizzically, shaking my head, while choking back the tears in disbelief over my own behavior. I wouldn?t even drive to Pasig or Alabang for my boyfriends, now I was driving to Pampanga for a pig!

I had taken the wrong exit?Dau instead of Angeles, and that?s what caused all my troubles that day. Soon enough, though, I wiped away my tears, called Claude and found my bearings. I followed the yellow jeeps that drive to Villa Gloria (apparently the jeeps are color-coded in Pampanga) and renewed my resolve to find my soulmate for that day, Mr. Piggy.

Finally finding it, I saw that Villa Gloria is just your ordinary village, with bungalows and none of the extra rural flavor that I had expected based on what I had heard about Bale Dutung. My heart sank for a second ...until I reached the Tayags? doorstep. And then it?s a totally different story: The magic begins.

There?s no number on the door, just a sign that reads ?Bale Dutung.? Claude himself welcomes you and opens the gate. Cobblestones and a tiny bridge lead you over a little man-made pond (dug up by Claude himself) and to the lanai, where dinner is served. Mary Ann, Claude?s ?darleng,? greets you with her gorgeous smile while handing you frozen, not just soaked, towelettes along with a glass of lemon iced tea to cool you down. Magically, before you know it, you are back to the pleasant demeanor necessary for a pleasant meal.

Looking around, I was amazed to find that Bale Dutung is indeed everything they said it would be: rustic, relaxing, an utter escape. An antique fan that actually works blew out air from a side of the ceiling; lamps artfully clung from carabao yokes above each table, hammered in by Claude himself; while vinegar jars with actual aging vinegar, their vintage labeled on the jar sides, sat on the far side of the room, helping block out the sun. Farther down a corner of the lanai is a dirty kitchen, by it Claude?s gallery, and by that an open kitchen complete with antique stone grinders, pots and pans. Past a bit of grass is a little elevated hut that is the owner/artist?s workshop.

Then to my right, he stared at me, Mr. Piggy, while Claude proudly stood behind him, knife in hand, smiling, ?Skin?? The line for the balat (skin), by this time, had grown. You?d think Claude was distributing NFA Rice for free. (The guests were members of a food tour group organized by Ivan Man Dy of the famed Chinatown Tours (yes he does food tours now with Ivan Henares and Anton Diaz.) Thus the beginning of the experience that is Claude?s Five-Way Lechon.

The five ways are: skin, pritchon, sinigang, spare ribs and asado. First, Chef Claude skins the lechon, to make you enjoy the skin in all its classic crispy goodness, to be enjoyed Pampanga style with liver sauce, although I had it with Mary Ann?s five-year homemade vintage vinegar which is amazing (?I offer you the suka challenge,? declared a giddy Mary Ann, holding a bottle, adding, ?This vinegar is aged five years right here.? Mary Ann?s grandmother was a suka connoisseur who would herself gauge whether a bottle was ripe enough to deserve distribution to friends and family; no one else was allowed to touch it until she gave her go.) The Tayags sell this at their home for P150 and you shouldn?t leave without a bottle.

At this point, you see the entire pig on a table, just after being spit roasted and characteristically biting an apple. Then the skin parts that have become too soggy to pick on and the parts that you make into liempo are deep fried to make Claude?s Pritchon (Way #2). You enjoy these Peking duck style, rolled in a pancake with a kimchi-like spread inside. This is slightly spicy, in contrast to slightly sweet Tagalog lechon liver sauce.

It gets better. The stuffing of the pig?with lemongrass, garlic and onion leeks?is worked into a stock that becomes sabaw ng sinigang, and the bony parts including the hooves become the laman ng sinigang. Chef Claude also mixes in kamias or sampaloc, depending on what?s in season to create Sinigang na Lechon (Way #3)?arguably the best sinigang in the country, promise. This was my favorite of the five ways, although the others preferred the ribs, which was offered next.

The lechon spare ribs (Way #4) are made in a combined inihaw and inasal style using Claude9 marinade. This is a very different take on ribs, using Tagalog and Visayan methods. It?s slightly charred yet very flavorful because of the inasal take on it.

Finally, whatever was left was made into asado, Way #5, cooked in a very Pampangueño, tomatoey-style that every Tagalog grandmother would love.

Stuffed now like the pig I had just devoured, I pondered for a while on the magic of Bale Dutung. I realized that its magic is in the real thing?real vinegar, made from scratch, aged by the couple themselves; real hot chocolate, made from chocolate nibs; real food, cooked with their own hands. In today?s fast-paced commercial world, it has become harder to find things that that are real?no shortcuts, no cheats?which is what Bale Dutung is all about. They offer real slow food, using a real understanding of Filipino cooking methods and techniques, learned from earlier generations of food lovers (?I?m a fourth generation Pampangueño,? declares a proud Claude) and through their many travels. For example, Claude explained in a phone interview later, ?The lechon is not Pampanga style because it is also stuffed with lemongrass and garlic, like they do it in Cebu. But it?s also not just Cebu style because I find that too salty. It?s more Tagalog and Visayan styles put together.? Then for more magic, everything comes with Claude?s humor (?An eye for an eye,? he said as he handed me the lechon?s eyes, which I have learned to love to eat and personally requested) and Mary Ann?s charms (she?s the hostess with the mostest while Claude?s in the kitchen, aided by her background as Chief Purser of Cathay Pacific First Class).

After this experience, Pampanga had found its way to my heart through my stomach by way of the loving and talented hands of the Tayags. Now I love Pampanga! ?

Bale Dutung. Villa Gloria, Pampanga. Strictly by reservation, minimum of 12 pax at P1,500 each. 0917-5359198 or (045) 888-5163. Email mquiotayag@yahoo.com.