IF, as the rather hackneyed expression asserts, life imitates art, then arguably Philippine Cinema provides ample fodder for those attempting to explain the often-frenzied nature of Filipino society.

Take that infamous glass-of-wine-flinging scene between Sharon Cuneta and Cherie Gil in the hit drama “Bituing Walang Ningning” that has surely spawned its fair share of real-life imitators, “second-rate, trying-hard copycat” line included. And people surely remember how the teen comedy “Bagets” not only influenced the slang, style, and social norms of its era; it also bestowed a memorable monicker unto an entire generation of this country’s youth.

Of all the filmic forms, though, it is the Filipino action movie that might possibly be the source of some of the strongest swell of cinematic behavior in this altered reality also known as contemporary existence. Certainly, many hallmarks of the Pinoy action flick –peculiar characters, scenes filled with chaos and corrupting influences, and erstwhile inconsequential incidents that inexplicably escalate into colossal imbroglios – easily find their real-life counterparts in the daily goings-on in our 7,107 islands.

Let’s see how that works:

1. Having a meal at a carinderia. a.k.a. Sa ’Yo Ang Monggo, Akin ang Kamote!

You’re a tricycle driver, and have decided to go for lunch at your neighborhood karinderya (food stall). The proprietress, played by Nora Aunor, is locally famed for her preparation of talbos ng kamote (sweet potato shoots). Her earnest but somewhat eccentric assistant, essayed by Tonton Gutierrez, has the odd habit of occasionally making prophetic- pronouncements. As you sit down at the counter, he mutters, “Ang hinala ko, nagugutom ka (I suspect you are hungry).”

As you are deliberating what to order, another tricycle driver (played by Cesar Montano), walks in to eat. You both ask for the talbos, which prompts Tonton to declare, “Ang hinala ko malapit nang maubos ang kamote [I predict that the camote is about to run out].”

Sure enough, there is only one serving left, which causes an argument between you and Cesar. At one point, he declares war, shouting, “Sa ’yo ang monggo, akin ang kamote! [You take the monggo, I’ll take the camote]!” This leads to punches thrown, tables overturned, and a glass window or two broken. The brawl continues outside, with both of you glowering at each other and maligning each other’s mothers, anatomical parts, and personal habits.

As things descend into chaos, Tonton plays his Delphi oracle role to the hilt, murmuring, “Ang hinala ko may mababaril dito [I predict someone will get shot].” This prompts Nora to throw herself between you warring thugs and yell, “Walang hinala! [Stop it already with the stupid predictions]!”

This unexpected outburst startles Cesar and you, which causes both of you to inadvertently shoot Nora instead. The shock of seeing her collapse frightens the assembled mass of people, who then stampede screaming down the hill. In the ensuing melee, people are trampled on, a few tricycles get smashed, and the karinderya is demolished, thus making the quandary of who gets to eat what a moot point.

You and Cesar, somewhat chastened by the mayhem you have caused, repair to a nearby honky-tonk to work out your differences, and end up bonding over a common craving for sisig and San Miguel beer. The end.

2. Taking a ride in a taxicab. a.k.a. Maging Tsuper Ka Man

You’re a comely yuppie lass who boards a taxicab on her way to a somewhat seedy suburban mall, where you plan to shop for pirated DVDs. While headed there, you notice that your driver bears a distinct resemblance to Robin Padilla. As you approach Pirated DVD Central Mall, a bunch of street vendors surround the cab, aggressively shoving pirated discs in your face. You try to brush them off, which only ups their belligerence.

The driver tries to defend you by pushing them away, which sparks a fight between him and the DVD hawkers. He guns the vehicle, but the road dead-ends at a river. You both have to jump into a motorized banca to try to elude the pirated DVD gang, and while your defender is successfully knocking out a few of your pursuers and concurrently getting the boat on its way, you realize your driver is Robin Padilla.

You then head for open water, pursuers on your trail. You travel all the way to a small island off Jolo, where Robin beaches the banca and you both dash into the forest to hide yourselves. While in hiding, you hum songs to try to forget your predicament. Over time (the next 24 hours or so), you find yourself becoming very attracted to Robin because of his gallantry and dashing good looks. He also find himself falling for you because of your lovely singing voice, and your encyclopedic knowledge of cinematic trivia gleaned from years of watching pirated DVDs. He swears to love you despite your wanton disregard for intellectual property laws, and you declare in return, “Mahal kita maging tsuper ka man [I love you despite the fact that you are a simple cab driver].”

Suddenly, you both realize that the pirated DVD gang is upon you, and you overhear their conversation. They turn out to be rebels who are selling pirated DVDs to finance their armed uprising. And now they’re planning to kill you. But not if Robin can help it. So he surprises the gang members, manages to grab enough weapons to arm an entire battalion, and single-handedly annihilates the insurgents, a development that frees you to return to the city. In an inadvertent but welcome development, your rescue also ends up bringing peace to Mindanao.

3. Joining a gym. a.k.a. Fit and Run

While weighing yourself one day, you realize you are overweight. This makes you join a small neighborhood gym called “Fit and Run,” that turns out to be owned by Joseph “Erap” Estrada.

After some time, you and Erap become friends, bonding over late night bull sessions where rich food and copious quantities of expensive French wine are consumed.

One evening, Erap reveals that he and his business partners have a plan to increase their fortunes. He confides that an American who works out at their gym has been secretly developing an exercise machine that doubles as a water pump, the blueprints of which he carries around in his briefcase. They are going to steal the plans, make the device themselves, and thus become rich beyond their wildest dreams. You are quite horrified by this, but your friendship with Erap precludes your alerting the authorities.

Come the appointed time, Erap and his buddies gang up on the hapless American and threaten to torture him by naming all of Erap’s paramours and associated offspring. This so unnerves the man that he runs off, abandoning his attaché case and its precious contents. Erap and his partners soon begin manufacturing the apparatus, calling it “Pump-papayat [Pump your way to weight loss].” This becomes extremely successful, with millions of fat Filipinos losing weight while simultaneously pumping enough water to fill several dams.

Their success soon breeds distrust and resentment, especially when Erap discovers his fundamentally altruistic nature, and decides to give away proceeds from the device to the poor. This sets off a violent quarrel among the erstwhile partners one day, and you watch terrified as they tear the gym to pieces and use barbells, weight benches, and other equipment to pummel each other.

Erap eventually emerges victorious, dispatching his opponents with some fancy moves, a few handy free weights, and a number of witty one-liners. He becomes famous for his kindness and generosity, as well as his comedic talents, and is elected mayor of the town. From here he rises spectacularly to national office, eventually winning the post of President of the Republic of the Philippines. You take the free “Pump-papayat” he gives you and lose 50 pounds during your charitable endeavor of irrigating farms for impoverished rural folk.

So it doesn’t make sense. But really now, what Pinoy action movie does?