AH, Valentine?s Day once again. Peak season for fine dining restaurants, chocolate and flowers shops, hotels ... and motels!

This year, instead of writing about romantic restaurants (try cooking for her instead!), a friend ? actually, a couple of friends ?suggested I write about what to eat at motels instead.

The reaction of the boys to this one is hilarious. There is a unanimous response of ?crispy pata!? Although one actually clarified (too authoritatively!), ?But only in the flower chains.? Flower chains? Apparently that means Orchid and the like, not the motels with the ?quiet? sign.

Another admitted that he and his girlfriend used to collect motel menus. I hope they kept that collection even after their break up.

Catholic upbringing notwithstanding, I resolved to write this piece for Valentine?s Day. After all, if hotels pride themselves on having the best chefs, wouldn?t motels follow suit? So midday on the first of February, I dragged my gorgeous sister along to go motel hopping in Pasig. That?s where we discovered the beautiful world of Victoria Court Suites.

When I got back to the office, I was asked by one of the senior sexperts, ?Did you see all the mirrors?? I guess this question is age-revealing as motels have apparently evolved since his time. Now they have theme rooms that are crazy fabulous! There is the Moulin Rouge Suite, which is totally just like the bed that Satine lay in as she waited for the Duke of Monroth. There is an Oval Office, complete with the table and seal of the President of the United States of America, as well as portraits of sexy United States Presidents (Kennedy by the garage, Obama at the top of the stairs, Clinton uncharacteristically missing!). Our guide said there was also an Austin Powers Suite complete with poles (oh, beeehave!). Our favorite was the Venetian room that looks just like Venice, with a gondola right inside the bedroom!

But back to the subject at hand: what to eat? This question is answered by a very thick menu entitled ?Maria: Taste Our Distinction.? The menu is amazingly complete, and has practically everything you could think of eating, from burgers and sandwiches to pastas and pancit to Filipino and even Korean favorites. It also has all kinds of rice, a selection of eight kinds or so, including garlic and yang chow. I guess carbo-loading is a motel practice.

What grabbed my attention on the menu was the inclusion of a section called ?Aphrodisiacs.? Most repeated in this section are frogs and balut. Steamed balut, balut express, balut sisig. The balut sisig is worth a try, if you are not in fear of a sudden heart attack. So much balut on the menu made me wonder if the reason for our population boom is the popularity of this repast.

Out of curiosity, we ordered an item called the Kamasutra Chicken. Disappointingly, it?s not two chickens in a compromising pose. It is roasted chicken but very desirably spiced and very tender. It was quite impressive. I would order this even at a regular restaurant.

The next eye-catching item on the menu is the appetizer section called ?Teasers.? We tried the kwek-kwek, with sick minds wondering if its inclusion in the menu was borne out of alliterative influences. Again, absolutely delicious. Streetfood in all its oily glory.

Of course, as required by the motel experts, we had to try the crispy pata and the pancit. And this is where I conclude that men?s appreciation for motel crispy pata and pancit rests on other pleasant experiences at the time, not solely on the merits of the food per se. Because neither were extraordinary. Sure the crispy pata had lovely crisp, crunchy skin and, sure, there was fat, but it wasn?t something that you couldn?t find in a regular grillery.

Same goes with the chicken inasal. Actually the inasal was not good at all, the meat beneath the skin so bland. The double cheeseburger was worse. It tasted like a real loser: not at all juicy, hard to chew, and devoid of flavor.

If the suites wanted to give their customers the complete Moulin Rouge experience, I was thinking they should serve fabulous French cuisine and wine; or amazing American food and bourbon at the Oval Office; or a Portuguese menu at the Venetian. After all, isn?t the fastest way to a man?s heart through his stomach? Pity the love lost for lack of creativity.

I guess the moral of this motel story is: just like any other hotel or resort, the food is also hit and miss. Like most love stories, I guess.

Hopefully it?s a hit and not a miss for you today/tonight. Happy Valentine?s Day! ?