WHENEVER I run into people who haven?t seen me in a long while and they remark, ?Hey, you?ve gained a lot of weight ? but it suits you,? I don?t know if I should be flattered or insulted.

When I was thinner, people complimented me on being fit and trim. So now when I?m heavier, are they really saying, ?Hey, you?ve become ugly? but it suits you. You look good being ugly.?

It?s really very confusing, finding the perfect weight and getting the body that?s just right ? or at least figuring out what people think is good for you.

How can you tell if the extra pounds you?ve gained really look good on you, or if they?ve made you fat? I say, go figure it out yourself ? and here are some tips to help you with that puzzler:

You know you?re too fat when?

1. People ask you, ?So when?s the baby due?? and you?re a dude.

2. The waiter flips the ?closed? sign just as you approach the buffet.

3. Some guy offers to be your agent in the television show ?Biggest Loser.?

4. The masseuse charges you double for a full body massage ? and she?s blind.

5. The weighing scale reads ?error? and you haven?t even stepped on it.

6. Sharon feels better when she?s beside you.

7. The escalator slows down to a halt when you step on it and speeds up again as soon as you get off.

8. Your XXXL shirts fit like baby tees.

9. Your nickname is now ?Family Guy? because you look like Peter Griffin.

10. The photographer asks you to compress and he?s doing a solo shot of you, and he?s using a wide angle lens.

11. You were asked to star in ?Chubby Chasers? because the producers felt that you?re exactly what the show needs to revive it.

12. You have four cleavages in your body.

13. You got a refund on your Tempurpedic pillow because it never went back to its original shape.

14. Even Samoans think you?re a bit overweight for a Samoan.

15. Fast food delivery drivers know you by first name and are always on stand by for your call.

16. Japanese recruiters call you all the time to join the next Sumo wrestling championship.

17. Surfers love it when you hit the beach because of the swell you create.

18. When you go to the park, birds land on you and make nests.

19. When you dip in the hot tub, you leave oil residue which the restaurants use for their deep frying.

20. Toll collectors reclassify your sedan to truck with heavy equipment when you use the express way.

You know you?re too thin when?

1. Models are jealous of you and ask what?s your secret.

2. Starving children from all over the country and Africa offer you their food.

3. The Rotary Club asks you to join their feeding program and say, ?No, we don?t need you to volunteer, we want you to actually eat.?

4. The Bulimic Society wants you to be their poster boy.

5. The Anorexic Society and Bulimic Society are fighting over you as their endorser.

6. You can run your bike on flat tires and it doesn?t affect performance.

7. When you wear spandex shorts, you look like you?re wearing bubble shorts

8. Every Halloween, people compliment you on your realistic skeleton costume.

9. Medical students want you to model in their anatomy class because you?re better than any model they?ve ever seen.

10. During typhoons, you have to wear weighted belts and ankle weights so that you don?t fly away like last time during Ondoy.

11. An artist painted a nude painting of you and came up with a vertical line and refused to accept any payment from you.

12. You can actually disappear behind a microphone stand, which makes you the envy of magicians.

13. When you walk over to the buffet, the waiter doesn?t charge you, winks, and says, ?Ako na ang bahala sa iyo [I?ll take care of you].?

14. Even birds tell you to eat.

15. You borrow your daughter?s clothes and you still have to taper them.

16. When you google ?malnourished,? an image of yourself shows up.

17. You can unlock any door by sticking your finger into the key hole and jiggling it.

18. You can walk on water.

19. You have 12-pack abs.

20. When you go for a jog and your legs rub against each other, they make the same sound as chimes.

So now, when I run into people I haven?t seen in a long time, I take the first jab by saying right away, ?Hey, looks like you?ve been putting on the pounds.? That throws them off and they don?t say anything about my weight, because now they feel insecure. It?s all a mind game. ?