THERE?S a saying that always elicits knowing smiles from the ?long marrieds.? It goes: ?If you put a marble in a jar each time you make love in the first year of marriage, AND take out a marble each time you make love in the subsequent years, by year five, the jar will be half full.?

And the smiles are there because it is often so true.

But before I launch on those tips to heat up married sex (and hopefully, empty that jar more quickly), here are a few caveats for the avoidance of doubt:

This article is not about 10 ways to achieve mind-blowing multiple orgasms or 10 positions to drive your partner wild in bed, okay? This is not about technical proficiency (though that can be a very good thing indeed). Neither is it meant to be that extra kick when having sex with a new partner (though that, admittedly, can be a very powerful kick indeed).

And this article claims no guarantees of success, alright? If you still believe in guarantees simply by following someone else?s tips, well, there?s a bridge in Brooklyn you might want to buy.

This is about still looking forward to having sex with your spouse five years after you?ve tied the knot, for better or for worse, noisy children and intrusive in-laws notwithstanding. This is about sex that leaves you smiling after the kids have gone to bed or before you have to get up to prepare their baon. (There?s a lot to be said for morning sex, but only, of course, if both are willing).

1. While it sounds like self-help mumbo-jumbo, it is true that the way you see yourself is the way people closest to you will also feel. If you feel you?re too fat to be attractive to your mate, no one will agree more than your partner.

2. No one is to blame. Too often we don?t tell our spouses what we honestly think for fear of offending them. Why not say something like ?I think we might both be gaining weight. How about we join the gym together?? If your spouse is overly sensitive and tact and coquetry don?t work, therapy might help. A relationship where you cannot be honest with each other will inevitably lead to lies. And because sex does not exist in a vacuum, the quality of your relationship will invariably affect the quality of the sex you have together.

3. Don?t yearn for the past, nor merely accept the present. Instead, celebrate it. If she seems to like jewelry more than you, ask her about it. Some women need the reassurance of your willingness to spend for her as a way to feel that she is truly cared for. Should your husband develop a paunch, don?t tease him mercilessly about it but see if you can derive pleasure from this cushion of flesh when you go to bed.

4. Realize what can?t be helped ? his height, her accent, the way he smacks his lips when he knows it?s lechon kawali tonight, the way she cackles whenever she hears a good joke ? and love it if you can. Don?t harp on it if you can?t. Lots of people enjoy great sex with spouses who have more ?faults? than yours, so explore why you can?t do the same.

5. Think of new terms of endearment replacing ?Mama? or ?Papa.? It encourages the Madonna-Prostitute Dichotomy, which I have also termed as the ?Boring: you-are-like-a-brother-to-me? as opposed to the sexy bad boy. This dichotomy categorizes people as either those you respect and trust OR those you may not like as much but are oh-so-sexy!

To call your spouse something evoking parenthood puts them in the ?respect? category, but blows them clear out of the water in the super sex department.

True, she may be a wonderful mother, but let your children call her that. They?re the ones who benefit from her parenting skills.

6. Sex without love can be hot and torrid, but cannot continue to be so over the years. This is not merely wishful thinking; this is based on rigorously designed research on areas of psychology like evolutionary psychology, biomedical and psychosocial mental health realities, everyone?s need for novelty, etc. Should anyone want bibliographic details, please write SIM and I shall willingly provide them.

7. Please remember, if you loved this person enough to consider sharing your life with him/her, why reserve your best behavior for others simply because you?re too tired or (that and the unconvincing refrain ?This is who I am; accept me for better or worse?). You were not that way when s/he married you, why be so now? Sex may not be as exciting as the first time you got together, but it can still be passionate, relentless yet reassuring, especially if you treat your partner the way you yourself wish to be treated.

There are several other tips psychotherapists like me can share, but I hope these will do as starters. ?

Dr. Holmes is a clinical psychologist who has authored 17 books on sex and relationships.