ONCE upon a time, the progression was inevitable: fall in love, get married, have kids, start a family. Nowadays, however, many couples have come to see themselves as enough of a family, minus the offspring. The reasons vary, from the practical (?It?s expensive to raise children!?) to the preferential (?I just don?t like kids?). In the Philippines, where family is a big deal and the Church still believes that procreation is a main goal of marriage, it?s good to note that not having kids, even in a marriage, and even when you are biologically able, has become a real option.

Take Stella Chiu-Freund, half of a professional wildlife photographic team (the other half is her German-born husband, Juergen). Stella, 45. who was born and raised in Manila but now lives in Australia, is Chinese-Filipino ? two cultures that put a premium on children. Still, ?From the beginning, before we got married in 2000, I told my husband I didn?t want to have kids,? she says. Juergen was ?flabbergasted, because he didn?t want kids either, but he thought they came with being Asian: Filipino = Catholic = many kids!?

In Stella?s case, it was a personal preference that eventually became a lifestyle choice. ?When I was single, I earned enough just to sustain myself. I knew children would not be part of my future. I love my nieces, but I could always return them to their parents! Call it selfish, but that?s what I want. Crying and kids who behave badly drive me nuts.?

The Freunds also travel a lot to remote places for weeks on end, and a child would only limit their much-needed mobility. ?And the most important reason of all,? Stella says, ?is that there are already too many people on this earth. Seriously.?

In the case of Annette (not her real name), a 50-year-old artist, and her husband Eric, the decision was ?unconscious,? and a matter of priorities. ?I guess we first had to concentrate on ourselves as a couple, and dealing with each other?s differences. We didn?t see the need to have another ?party? involved.? The couple has been married eight years. Eventually, the mutual decision became final. ?Besides, I?m not much of a ?doter? on children or babies,? Annette says. ?My maternal instincts find expression in other ways than having my own biological family.?

Celine (not her real name), 43, a writer, has been living with her boyfriend Mike for five years; Mike is a widower with children from his previous marriage. ?Before Mike, I actually wanted to become a mom,? Celine says. ?I even envisioned myself to be a cool parent. As I got older, though, the desire to have kids waned. Maybe it was because I saw how it changed my friends who have kids; suddenly, there was nothing else to talk about but the kids, which is not necessarily bad, but isn?t there anything else to discuss??

Celine has also become more wary after seeing how kids these days are growing up, in spite of their parents? best efforts. ?Many seem to have lost their respect for elders, and they?re very materialistic. I get the feeling that no matter how good you are at disciplining them and instilling values, kids will still evolve and behave the way they want to, because of influences like media, friends, etc.? Mike did offer Celine the option to have kids, since he no longer had any unfulfilled need to be a father. Celine said ?no, thanks.?

None of the usual arguments for having kids is enough reason for these women to think differently. What about raising your own flesh and blood and having someone to pass treasures and lessons on to? ?I have no illusions about propagating my own flesh and blood,? Stella says. ?We have nephews and nieces for the other things. I don?t want to have a child who will have to face living in this difficult world.?

Annette and Eric have actually been ?parenting? some young people in their community for some years now, though not in a full-time way. ?They live with their own families, but we look into their studies, compile their report cards, train them in various skills, and tutor them in English via reading and movies.?

Then there?s that debatable advantage of having someone to care for you in your old age. ?No child should be brainwashed into thinking he or she has an obligation to take care of his or her parents in their old age,? Stella says. ?Caring for your elders should not be a mandate, but a generous voluntary act of love. Once it becomes a mandate, then resentment and ill will seep in.?

?I don?t know what?s going to happen to me or Mike in the future,? Celine muses, ?but bringing people into the world to care for you in your old age is a terrible reason to have kids. A lot of parents who do that end up heartbroken because their kids leave them to have lives of their own.?

?Even if we did have children,? Annette says, ?we wouldn?t burden them with the thought of repaying us by being caregivers in our old age.?

Admittedly, the social pressure can still get on one?s nerves. ?In the Philippines, everyone from friends down to people we hardly knew encouraged us to have kids. Actually, there is very little respect or understanding for one?s decision to not have kids here. In the west, it?s not even discussed.?

?When I tell people I married late so my early menopause got the better of me, the common response is ?Sayang naman [What a waste],?? Annette says with a laugh. ?What cracks me up, though, is when women gripe about their horny husbands, lack of money, and rebellious children. Then they look at me and ask all of a sudden, ?But why don?t you have children?? I think misery just loves company.?

?When I tell people I?m happy with the way things are, they don?t push,? Celine says. ?The only person who does ask, but not often, is my mom. She?s envious of her amigas who have apos and actually wants to be called lola. I told her, ?Well, you?re not going to get them from me!??

The nagging ceases to matter when they consider the advantages of being childless. In fact, none of these three women could think of disadvantages ? ?nada,? Stella emphasizes. ?The biggest advantage? Freedom.?

?The chance to find fulfillment in other things like sports and work,? Celine enumerates. ?The opportunity to travel, hang out with friends, and work late without worrying about a child waiting for you back home. Being able to spend whatever money you have on yourself and your passions. Being able to enjoy a relationship with your partner, not just because he?s ?the father of my children,? but for the man that he is. And I know it sounds evil, but looking younger and better than friends who look old, tired, and like they?ve let go because of parenthood.?

Any advice for other women who?d rather just be wives and partners than mothers? ?If you are confident about yourself and each other, and love each other against all odds, do it,? Stella says. ?Don?t be influenced by what others say about your family life, because it?s your family.?

?So many people marry just to have children, or get into marriage because of unwanted pregnancies,? says Annette. ?Somehow this warped attitude towards marriage messes up not just their relationships, but also their children.?

?Enjoy the moments together with your partner,? Celine says. ?Do things together, cultivate ?me? and ?we? time. You don?t have to have kids to feel fulfilled; you can experience the same feeling with a person who isn?t a blood relation, but whom you love and care for just the same.? ?