MANILA, Philippines—I’ve always been proud of the fact that I’m not afraid of anything. (Well, except for spiders, mangled fingernails and falling in love, but that’s a different story altogether.) After three years in medical school, however, here’s the cold, hard truth: I’ve never been this scared in my entire life, and I have every reason to be.
I’m not sure if it was Socrates or Barbra Streisand who said, “The more I know, the more I realize the less I know.” They must have had us medical clerks in mind.
A day in the life of a clerk basically consists of rushing paperwork, monitoring patients, dealing with demanding relatives, cranky peers and even crankier superiors, and feeling stupid and useless 24/7. Like every batch of bright-eyed young hopefuls, we entered this last stage with absolutely no idea on how and where to start. We were like headless chickens running around the hospital, making mistakes and getting yelled at in the process.
No sleep, no food, no bath
Dunderheads, pond scum, lazy bums—name it, we’ve probably looked, felt and smelled like it at one point. No sleep, no food, no bath. Yup, we are the lowest in the medical pecking order; that’s pretty much a given.
We spend all day running errands, then we’re left with nothing but junk food, stale coffee and gossip to get us through sleepless nights of hospital duty. We feel so tired and hungry that all we can do is nod dumbly and mumble “Yes, doctor; Sorry po, doctor; Next time po, doctor,” even when it’s really not our fault to begin with. It gets to the point that even the thrill of being called “doktor” or “doktora” fades away quickly, because they say it in such a condescending or sarcastic way.
The fact that our friends and loved ones also suffer doesn’t help, either. No matter how hard they try, they will never be able to understand our situation, unless they were in the same boat once. Our classmates might be the only ones who can understand us, but they’re too busy trying to convince each other (and themselves) that they’re far worse off than everybody else. So, in essence, we’re on our own.
Sure, everyone goes through this crap everyday. But the big difference here is people’s lives are literally at stake. Never mind the daily verbal lashing or the overwhelming fatigue. Every mistake we make or every errand we fail to do immediately might cost us someone’s health or, worse, someone’s life. Then, once we reach our breaking point, we start to wonder: Why am I still doing this? Am I really cut out for this kind of life? Is it really worth all the trouble?
Biggest fear
As much as we try not to think about it, all our doubts and fears hound us—relentlessly nipping at our heels, clawing their way into our souls, whispering words of despair in our ears until we feel like combusting any time. We may be afraid of a lot of people or things, but the biggest fear of all is not being able to help the very people you’re supposed to help, not to know the answer when the situation calls for it, to be unable to do your job. I know that this fear is very, very real, and it lives in the hearts of all others who are in this profession, whether they acknowledge it or not.
As Dr. Webber from “Grey’s Anatomy” says, “Being afraid means you still have something to lose.” Whether it’s our own sanity or the hundreds of thousands of pesos our parents painstakingly shell out, the things we’re afraid to lose are the very reason we keep fighting. At the heart of it is the fact we did something to improve the quality of life for those around us is reward enough. And that makes every hardship worth it.
Kanye West’s hip hop anthem couldn’t have better timing: “Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.” For as long as we have the strength to endure, we gain the power to heal. Call it idealism or plain naďvete, but I still believe in the profession I chose and in the people who continue to pursue it in the face of adversity. This is not a weepy diatribe or an attempt to glorify what seems to be a grim, thankless job. I’d rather think of it as a tribute to all the unsung heroes who want to make the world a better place, one patient at a time.
Long road ahead
As for me, I’ve decided to look at my fears as something that’s constantly changing me, goading me to be a better and stronger person. It’s a long, long road ahead and I know that it’s only going to get much more difficult. There will be more sacrifices and compromises.
True, I’ve shed so much blood, sweat, tears. But I strive to survive because I want to claim my rightful place in the world as someone who aims to make a difference. I refuse to be mediocre or to not see things through to the very end. I will enjoy my career and my youth at the same time, no matter how impossible it may seem at times. And, as impossible as it may seem, I will find my McDreamy. Most of all, I will not give up who I am just to be what I want to become.
I might not become the best doctor the world has ever seen. I might not earn millions or have my name etched on the annals of medical greatness. But the one thing that my fears can’t take away from me is the fact that I’m alive, still afraid, but most importantly, still fighting.
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