MANILA, Philippines—Young, beautiful, enterprising heiress and part-time B-movie actress seeks potential new best friend.
If you are single, skinny, stylish, in your mid-twenties, and blonde (though not a prerequisite as this may be remedied with a lifetime supply of peroxide), the next BFF could be you!
Work hours: 24 hours, 24/7.
Job description: Marathon shopping, late night partying, occasional modeling, occasional acting. Must be agreeable to being stalked full-time by the paparazzi.
Benefits: Potential BFF will be showered with endless rewards including 15 minutes of Hollywood fame (which could be extended with any of the following: eating disorder rumors, sex video scandals, alcohol and drug problems, short stint in rehab). Invitations to exclusive parties (no need to line up behind the velvet rope ever!), designer outfits, product endorsements, movie offers, a long list of short-term boyfriends, and so much more!
Lodge in your application now!
Professional actors and single mothers need not apply.
The judgment of Paris
Oh yes, let the ass-kissing begin. Paris Hilton is returning to reality TV, and is now in the middle of creating a show all about her search for a new best friend. See, when traditional means of acquiring such valuable best friends fail, thank God there is always reality television to help one’s lonely cause.
The yet-untitled show, reported to be picked up by MTV or VH1, will feature a group of aspiring young girls who will all live together in a house in LA, where they will all begin competing for the coveted title as Paris’ anointed arm accessory. The show’s concept came about because ex-BFF Nicole Richie is too busy being a mother to newly-born daughter Harlow, leaving Paris in need of a full time buddy. Usmagazine.com reports that Paris is tired of all the haters and she’s looking for someone new. She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust.
“I’m really excited about this concept,” Paris shared in an interview with In Touch magazine, “I’m going to meet a lot of great girlfriends. I never got to go to college and this will be my chance to be in a sorority and have that experience.”
So what kind of girl is Paris looking for? “It’ll be great to meet a girl who’s not too Hollywood, who I can get along with and hang out with when the show is done,” she said in a magazine interview.
All this has the makings of a silly, one-dimensional, estrogen-infused chick drama. And I have a feeling that audiences—lovers or haters—will be riveted. I predict we shall be witnessing the evolution of a new kind of specimen the Hollywood petri dish, insta-incubated and matured to celebutante status, by virtue of association. Just think, she shall be catapulted to fame not because of any kind of talent whatsoever, other than the fact that she sucked up to Paris the best.
The promise of fame after all is so powerful that it can command instant friendship. Such is the Celebutante Effect, lending a whole new meaning to “BFF”—Best Friend for Fame.
Tick tock, someone’s fifteen minutes are about to begin. I can imagine the stalkerazzi salivating already.
