THE first time I ever heard of “Twilight” was when I heard my niece squeal over the phone, “Oh my gawd! You’re reading Twilight?”

Curious, I asked what it was, and got an instant reply: “Oh my gawd! It’s this really cool book about vampires! It’s, like, so nice!”

My eyebrows shot up; I immediately knew what it was all about: a mushy emo take on vampires that girls would force their boyfriends to read, should they want to continue said role as boyfriends.

Pretty boy

At a glance, it’s easy to see why the male lead Edward has girls swooning. He’s a pretty boy who’s got that dark and mysterious air with just a hint of danger (the books are filled with long, cheesy details of his perfection—it doesn’t get any gayer than having a “smooth marble forehead, a tangle of rain-darkened bronze hair, liquid gold eyes with a thick fringe of black lashes.”)

But he’s also sensitive, thanks to his mind-reading ability (a trait I’m sure most girls wish their boyfriends had). He’s the tragic hero who denies his desires just to keep his beloved safe. Yawn. Where are the vampires again?

Okay, I’ll give in and say that vampires actually have a connection to romance. They’ve always been described as a very passionate race, and, being immortal, they have a heightened appreciation of life (or death … or undeath. Whatever, you know what I mean).

In that aspect, “vampire romance” doesn’t sound like such a bad idea for a novel. But somewhere along the way, “vampire” got a stake shoved into its heart and took a backseat to “romance.”

Instead of Anne Rice’s Lestat or Bram Stoker’s Dracula, both of whom had lived for centuries and had gained the “wisdom of ages,” we’re given whiny emo kid Edward who, despite being 107, acts shockingly (read: sarcasm) like today’s typical whiny emo boy.

Rules

There are certain rules by which vampire books and movies should be created. First and foremost: if the story is about vampires, keep it about vampires. Keep mentions of love brief. The quicker they are, the sooner the movie can get back to the staking and the biting.

Secondly—and I know I’ve mentioned this a lot—vampires are supposed to be ancient and wise, not whiny little emo boys. Sure, some vampires can start to think that immortal life is pointless and start thinking of getting themselves done in, but vampires are not supposed to want to die after making stupid little spur-of-the-moment decisions that are a result of them acting emo in the first place. “Twilight” readers know what I mean.

Third, there really has to be a lot of staking and biting. Part of the whole vampire package is all about the awesome superpowers, like super strength and rapid healing. Why focus on a little mind reading?

Blade got it right, Buffy got it right, “Twilight” gets it dead wrong (or undead wrong).

To the guys who will be forced to read the books by overeager girlfriends, do yourselves a favor and just Wiki it, and just nod and agree with everything they say. You can also try to develop a little mind reading of your own by just agreeing to everything good they say about the book.

If they want to see the movie, just mention how it could never live up to how “great” the book was, then save that ticket money for something that actually has some action.

Lastly, bring your mortal selves to some DVD store to rent “Bram Stoker’s Dracula,” “Nosferatu” or “Interview with the Vampire.” You know, real vampire movies.